A note on monologuing

Rule #63 of The Supervillain's Guide to Super Villainy:

• Monologuing is for amateurs!

If you have to spend time explaining the hows & whys of your Super Evil Plan, to your goody-two-shoes, spandexed counterpart, while they surreptitiously free themselves of the bonds you tied them up in (so that they could watch helplessly as you implement Operation World Domination), then you've chosen an idiot for a nemesis.
A question like: "Do you know why I'm going to flood every major city on the planet with septic water Captain Squeaky Clean?" is a rhetorical question. Not the kind of one you then answer yourself, giving the 'hero' a chance to break free and thwart your plan in the final moments!
I know it's hard to find an intelligent 'hero' these days, but explaining yourself over & over, can get rather annoying and dull. And a nemesis is supposed to know you, be a reflection of you, in a sick and twisted way. So if they don't automatically get why you're going to open up a portal to the world of the warring lizard men- who you've made a dark pact with to wipe out all the idiots who chew gum with their mouths open- then they're not the right person to be your counterpart!
What's the point of doing villainous deeds when you have to keep explaining them all the time? You want people to be able to figure it out for themselves, without holding their hands and spelling it out for them.
So when you pick your arch rival, make sure they have at least two braincells to rub together!

Of Quiet Diplomacy & Other such nonsense :P

There are a number of mysteries in life. Like; why do the English have such bad teeth? Why is it that motorists with personalised number plates are such morons on the road? And what the hell is "Quiet Diplomacy" supposed to achieve???
It seems the crisis in Zimbabwe is going to be 'discussed' by regional African leaders in Zambia soon, and Thabo Mbeki is dashing of to Harare in his super hero suit, to speak to Robert Mugabe beforehand.
Bob is quite adept at the monologuing habit that villains are known for, so I can just imagine the conversation:
Bob: "Welcome Thabo, did you fly here on an evil colonial plane, or did you use one of your own?"
Thabo: "My own Bob, I-"
Bob: "Good. Did you know that I'm considering replacing my organs with synthetic organs, one by one?"
Thabo: "No, I-"
Bob: "It'll extend my life to beyond a hundred, so I can rule Zimbabwe for another 30 years or so."
Thabo: "Bob, maybe you should-"
Bob: "Colonial medicine has advanced quite a bit eh? Even though it's evil."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "So after I've replaced all my organs, I'll reign over all Zimbabwe for a long time. Then, I'll have myself cryogenically frozen, so that I can come back 100 years later & rule again! Great idea right?"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "Don't you love what I've done with the place?" -indicates to the scenery of Harare- "I'm going for that whole western look. Oh no, not Western, as in Evil White Supremacist Colonial look. I'm going for that Wild West look."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "You know, that whole dust, dirt & tumble weeds look. Where people have to eke out a living from nothing, run-down towns and crazy injuns."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "So do you like it?"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "Me too. I don't think the people of Zimbabwe get it though. I've tried having a word with them about it, but none of them have seen any Westerns, so they don't quite get the idea. It's a pity really, because... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

At this point in time, I'd like to point out that SuperVillains are adept monologuers too. Only stupid people tell others their evil plans, before they've actually done them. And only villain wannabes monologue about worthless information.

Apathy Man take 2

I think Apathy Man may have been planted by my enemies, in a clever effort to drive me insane! I will have to find the perpetrator(s) and punish them.
Apathy Man, however, is completely oblivious to the fact, too busy wallowing in the black hole of self-pity, to notice.
Someone will pay for all of this!

Well done Bob

If Zimbabwe was a monarchy, the symbol of Robert Mugabe's power would not be the usual crown and scepter. Instead it would be his black-rimmed glasses, which could possibly be the very same ones he first donned about 30 years ago.
And if Bob was the monarch of Zimbabwe, his glasses would be handed to the individual next-in-line to the throne. But only after Bob had been dead for 200 years, and all manner of science and dark magic had been used in a vain attempt to revive him from his frozen, cryogenic slumber.
And if he did have a throne, he would glue himself to it, securing the deal with some rope and a staple gun.
And after realising that he would have to visit the loo at some point, he would slowly but surely have his organs replaced with mechanical ones, in his effort to rule Zimbabwe for all eternity.
And Robo-Bob would have many minions to maintain his artificial organs, upgrading each organ as soon as a new edition came out, funded by money bled from the few remaining citizens of the country.
And in 500 years time, when Zimbabwe will be nothing but plains of dust and tumbleweeds (except for the Presidential mansion), Bob will still be blaming the West for the demise of the country and claiming that it is all an evil conspiracy to derail his rule.

Taking over the world can be a busy process at times

Sometimes a SuperVillain's life becomes nothing but go, go, go! It's a hard life, but someone has to do it. And so, my world domination plans have monopolised my time of late, affording me no opportunity to update this site. I do apologise, but consider it an opportunity to take some of my guidelines and implement them in your own villainous schemes and plans.

A word on alter-egos

As a Supervillain, it's essential to have an alter-ego that keeps your enemies guessing.
And no, I'm not talking about an inflated ego - though most Supervillains have those, I'm talking about a secret identity that allows one to blend in with the common man.
While it's important to stand out & be unique, ensuring that the world remembers your supervillainy, no one wants to have their plans go up in smoke because Goody-Two-Shoes Girl caught you early & thwarted your master plan before you got to the good part.
Blending is not only important, but necessary, & a smart Supervillain will be so cleverly disguised, that even their own mother will be surprised when they take over the world.
Here's an excerpt from The Supervillain's Guide to Super Villainy on secret identities:

• Putting on a pair of glasses & brushing the baby curl out of your hair, does not constitute a disguise. Only idiots would fall for that one, and, while there are plenty of those around, there are also a few smart people out there who are going to see past the lame disguise.
• If you're funding your Supervillain gadgets with your alter-ego's business, hide the expenses very well. Sooner or later, someone's going to start snooping around.
• Never have a reporter, private investigator or all-round nosy individual, for a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse
• If you wear an instantly-recognisable spandex outfit, never ever send it to a laundromat. Do your own washing, or make your side-kick do it.
• Don't let it be known that your alter-ego is a 'friend' of you, the Supervillain. Sooner or later people are going to make the connection...
• Keep your secret identity a secret! The less people know, the better, so that means minions, side-kicks, friends & family members.

Those are just a few wise words for you to consider for now. More updates & tips will be posted soon. In the meantime, look for the book on Amazon.

Apathy Man

I'd like to introduce an... associate of mine. Well, actually, he's more like a loose acquaintance, but anyways...
Apathy Man is the kind of Hero that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, like milk that's just starting to turn. You know, the kind where you pour a little into a mug & go around asking others to taste it, asking: "Is this milk off, or is it just me?" And it takes you about 10 minutes to reach a general consensus that it is, in fact fine. But 15 minutes after your coffee, you realise that you've still got that odd taste in your mouth.
Apathy Man has the all the morals of your usual sickly-sweet, stifling Hero, unfortunately he lacks the initiative and drive of one.
He's the Hero stuck on the sofa, watching reruns of Full House with a bag of Lays and flavouring-stained fingers that occasionally finger the spandex undies that haven't fitted in 10 years.
But what he lacks in action, he makes up for in opinionated commentary on every aspect of life, especially the moral code & conduct of Heros & Supervillains.
I would blot out Apathy Man at the drop of a side-kick's utility belt, but unfortunately, he's one of those people you just can't afford to have go missing. People would notice the significant absence of his droning & whining. When you're surrounded by noise, you notice the quiet. Pity about that one...

The Smell of Sweet Supervillain Success!

It's a good day to be a Supervillain today!
Why, you ask? Because after a year of procrastinating, I have the opportunity once again, to get together with a bunch of people (including my trusty side-kick Tundra) and have a games evening.
Naturally I always end up smashing their Monopoly pieces and bankrupting them. But I can't help it! Supervillainy is in my blood! -Who needs Get out of Jail Free cards, when you can use dynamite and blow half the prison up, escaping in the ensuing chaos!?!-
But anyways, it's important for Supervillains to have super fun, on a regular basis. So is excercise and a healthy diet, but who ever said that Batman never get's drive-through. Even 'Super' Heroes eat junk food every now & then.
But my point is this: Supervillainy is hard work! So many minions to brainwash, so little time.
Hard work can get you down sometimes, especially when your Master Plan only reaches it's full potential after a long period of time.
When it's a long journey, each little step counts, but sometimes, your feet get tired and you need a good break.
Nothing like kicking butt in Monopoly, 30 Seconds or Snakes & Ladders won't cure.
So take a break, sit back and do what I do: terrorise others in a roleplaying game :)

Find yourself a side-kick, before you get sick

Lonely? It could be the cause of those allergies & sniffles.
While doctors have been making the connection between loneliness & poor health for years, there's finally some substantial evidence that this is indeed a valid deduction. And it seems that it's all about gene expression. So basically, lonely people are depressed on a genetic level.
Loneliness is part and parcel of being a Supervillain I'm afraid. It's hard to find trustworthy people who share the same common interests, without infringing on your plans for world domination. My advice: find a good side-kick that will listen and understand.

Just sound out that candle please darling... ?

Acoustic fire suppression? Check out this video from Scientific American, where a team of students demonstrate that certain frequencies are capable of extinguishing flames.
So next time your attempts to woo the hero's girl with a romantic candle-lit dinner, go awry, try singing baritone at the flaming tablecloth.