Supervillain Snippets

Where a criminal record is a prerequisite for staff.
Will have to look at recruiting minions from here...

The Supervillain Guide to Torture

Being a Supervillain is tough - especially if you're doing it part time while you work to support your alter-ego lifestyle. Sometimes you have to rely on ready-made solutions, which is why I'm so excited about the launch of DSTv's new Afrikaans music channel kykNET Musiek.
Here's a simple solution for Supervillains looking for a quick-fix torture method. Now you can force victims of your superevil, supervillainy, to watch Steve Hoffmeyer assault Neil Diamond songs, all day long! Then there's other such local lyrical masters as Kurt Darren, Patricia Lewis & the revered Bles Bridges.
All you need is DSTv, a chair & a bit of rope - it really doesn't get much easier than this my fellow Supervillains!
This fantastic method is sure to leave deep scars in the depths of a victim's psyche, thanks to the 'polished' production used in many local music videos, the repetitive rhythms of Boere Orkes music & the bountiful archive of popular 'treffers' music that'll be on constant replay on the channel.
Never, ever look a cheap gift horse in the mouth!

Supervillain Basics: Track Records

There are a few things you just can't be a successful supervillain without; supervillainous powers, evil plans, timeousness, reliability & a trusty utility belt.
Success does not come from arriving late to take over the world or destroy your nemesis' entire collection of neon spandex jumpsuits. No Siree!
No one likes an unreliable supervillain (or superhero for that matter), because you just end up looking like an idiot & pissing people off.

So if you say: "Meet me at 8pm on the top of Trump Tower so that I can kick your toupee'd arse & wipe that cocky smile off your botoxed face", you better be there to deliver kid. Or you'll just go down in history as the no-show douchebag with the big mouth & short supervillain resume...

Of Kryptonite & Supervillain Weaknesses

Every supervillain & superhero has a weakness. An Achilles heel that they must yield to in order to balance out their amazing superpowers.
For some it is a strange & alien substance that renders them powerless in its presence - like chocolate, cheese, coffee, Kryptonite, little French pastries with the icing dusted on the top...
For others, it is as simple as a sale at Nine West, a pair of Diesel jeans, the latest Apple offering, the sleek lines of a new BMW, a house in a prestigious neighbourhood or the intense need to possess a trophy wife & show her off to those high school bullies.
And still for others it's the mere thrill of the SuperSecret. The alter ego & the kick they get out of hiding that other self from those around them, while relishing all the attention their SuperEgo gets.
I, on the other hand, possess numerous weaknesses, which is clearly due to the fact that I am gifted with an impressive array of villainous superpowers.
And while I could wax lyrical about said superpowers, I prefer to leave them shrouded in mystery, since the element of surprise is a key weapon in the supervillain's arsenal & quite useful in certain situations - like a skillful card swap at the Bingo hall...
I will, however, mention that I am utterly powerless in the presence of Star Wars Lego, Belgian chocolate, a good gadget shop, a pair of hot stiletto boots at a good price, a sleek motorbike, a poetic soul, & mesmerising eyes - to name a few & in no particular order...

Even Supervillains get allergies too

It's no easy task being a Supervillain, because very little about it is conventional & calm. In fact, most of the time it's rather unconventional because being a Supervillain means that 'Super' is pretty much attached to everything.
That means getting the SuperFlu, being SuperSmart, having SuperPlans, losing SuperSocks in the SuperLaundry, shopping for SuperClothes at a SuperStore & of course, getting SuperAllergies.

Over the course of my SuperLife, I have developed some seriously super allergies. Mostly towards various foods & additives, but also to some other things.
Like teenagers - I'm highly allergic to those. They induce my up-chuck reflex in a way that can only be described as 'super'.
They're an evil scourge that I plan to rid the planet of as soon as I've taken over it. I have great plans for them - SuperPlans to be exact, & they involve 'green' energy, cycling machines & deep cycle batteries...

Another thing I am super allergic to is bullshit. I can only handle so much of it before I reach my SuperTolerance level & call someone's bluff in a way that I like to describe as 'brutal honesty'.
You're either up-front & honest about things with people, or you're bullshitting them - & no one likes to be played for a fool. Specially not a Supervillain; we're all about evil plots & secret plans, so we have a nose for spotting falsity & it's not a good idea to try & pull one over on us.
We don't take kindly to it & you'll probably find yourself out in the cold - in Antarctica, stranded & cuddling up to a bunch of male Emperor Penguins for warmth while you wonder when the Catch of the Day will be regurgitated up on the ice by your new girlfriend...

The depths of MTN stupidity knows no bounds

When you're running a SuperVillain campaign - or at least trying to, you need equipment that works properly. Like a successful utility belt that cinches in the waist & has kickass little gadgets that can assist you with those daily tasks like scaling a wall or stealing ice cream from unsuspecting brats.
Needless to say; stuff must work - like your cellphone! No SuperVillain can survive these days without one. After all, your minions are available at a touch of a few buttons & you can order pizza to your SuperEvilVillainousLair in a jiffy. Convinience, I name the Mobile SuperVillain Phone!
So I have been a MTN customer for years now & one thing I have learned is that they are incredibly similar to car companies out there; they'll smile widely & give you a great deal in order to get you to purchase their car, but when something goes wrong - you can forget about any backup/support service.
I recently upgraded my phone to the HTC Hero (which I'm loving btw) & somehow in the process, my 500mb data bundle (that I'd had for 2 years) got canceled.
So I've wasted TONS of "voice" time on data, loaded extra airtime on my Top-Up contract account, wasted that money too, phoned MTN, gotten them to reload the data bundle, bought more airtime, wasted it again, found out that there's no freakin data bundle on my account!
I've jumped up & down, contacted supervisors & managers, driven to the shop where I upgraded, jumped up & down some more, waited 2 weeks, driven back, lost it, calmed down, vented, steamed & held myself back from strangling a LOT of people.
Now I have to wait until they bill me before they can see the screw-up they've made, because apparently, it's impossible for them to see their mistake before the invoice is issued.
I think I've met fungi with more coherent thoughts than the individuals at MTN that I've dealt with.

Even Supervillains need a Super Holiday!

Tofo is a tiny little place north of Inhambane, in Mozambique. It's got beaches, palm trees, coconuts, little umbrellas in your cocktails at the beach bar... What more could you ask for?
Unfortunately the locals weren't minion material. Neither were any of the foreigners crowding the handful of cafes & restaurants.
It was, however, rather relaxing to laze on a deck chair, musing over my World Domination plans, surrounded by the oblivious plebeians as they sucked flavoured ice through little straws.
Mozambique is green, sandy, hot and full of begging children and stray dogs, though not necessarily in that order.
The thought of mobilising the thousands of stray dogs, did occur to me, but the moment was brief. The dogs are too busy, roaming wide in their daily search for food.
The locals expect money, if you take any photographs, and they get quite agitated if you don't comply to their demands. Buckets of salty fish water are gestured threateningly at cameras.
This habit of expecting money for nothing from foreigners, is obviously honed from a young age, evident in the groups of children that appear at every corner, begging for money or 'sweets'. Some will even ask for dollars or euros.
And taking their cue from their older counterparts, a rock is thrown at your vehicle, if you ignore their requests.
As a Supervillain, my mind automatically goes into 'Evil Mode' in response to such actions, and so it is a good thing that nothing violent came of the griping directed at my camera.
Mozambique is still a desperately poor African country and yet often the locals seem to scorn the presence of foreigners.
Yet it is the foreigners who are bringing their hard-earned money into the country, supporting tiny pockets of the tourism industry scattered around the country.
If not for the tourists, places like Tofo, Ponta do Ouro and Bazaruto would be insignificant struggling villages, whose people eke out a living without the benefit of foreign money coming into their town.
Perhaps the Mozambique government should consider educating their people as to the benefits of actually having tourists in their country!
Just across the border in Zimbabwe, the tourism industry is in serious trouble. Foreigners are wary of the political situation in the country, but those that do venture in, are greeted warmly by grateful locals who have realised the true value of visiting foreigners. The locals living around the tourist spots in Zimbabwe, are friendly and helpful, all too eager to please and ensure that people return to their country.
In that respect, the people of rural Mozambique have a lesson to learn from their Zimbabwean counterparts.

A word on alter-egos

As a Supervillain, it's essential to have an alter-ego that keeps your enemies guessing.
And no, I'm not talking about an inflated ego - though most Supervillains have those, I'm talking about a secret identity that allows one to blend in with the common man.
While it's important to stand out & be unique, ensuring that the world remembers your supervillainy, no one wants to have their plans go up in smoke because Goody-Two-Shoes Girl caught you early & thwarted your master plan before you got to the good part.
Blending is not only important, but necessary, & a smart Supervillain will be so cleverly disguised, that even their own mother will be surprised when they take over the world.
Here's an excerpt from The Supervillain's Guide to Super Villainy on secret identities:

• Putting on a pair of glasses & brushing the baby curl out of your hair, does not constitute a disguise. Only idiots would fall for that one, and, while there are plenty of those around, there are also a few smart people out there who are going to see past the lame disguise.
• If you're funding your Supervillain gadgets with your alter-ego's business, hide the expenses very well. Sooner or later, someone's going to start snooping around.
• Never have a reporter, private investigator or all-round nosy individual, for a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse
• If you wear an instantly-recognisable spandex outfit, never ever send it to a laundromat. Do your own washing, or make your side-kick do it.
• Don't let it be known that your alter-ego is a 'friend' of you, the Supervillain. Sooner or later people are going to make the connection...
• Keep your secret identity a secret! The less people know, the better, so that means minions, side-kicks, friends & family members.

Those are just a few wise words for you to consider for now. More updates & tips will be posted soon. In the meantime, look for the book on Amazon.

Is load-shedding the work of smart Supervillains?

While South Africans are asserting their Eskom woes, I have to wonder if the power cuts are not the result of highly-intelligent, super-talented Supervillains. Not!
It seems cyber extortionists are targeting power facilities, hacking into systems and threatening to cut off power to whole cities, unless vast amounts of money are wired to their off-shore accounts.
These criminals have obviously targeted our very own Eskom. Not such a smart move boys. I certainly won't be including those 'villains' on my Christmas Card list. What idiots! (They must be American...)
It's Eskom, so naturally there is no money in the coffer to pay the ransom. Because the Suits & Head Honchos at Eskom, are rich bastards with luxury yaghts and personal back-up generators, who all live in the same neighbourhood where conveniently, there are never any power-cuts. Their neighbours also happen to be the majority of the country's top politicians. Do you think cabinet members sit around and do candle-lit debate prep? I don't think so. I certainly can't picture Manto writing her thesis on "The African Potato and its Immune-Boosting Effects when Used in Conjunction with ARVs" with a couple of candles to light her scribblings.

Rule #45 of The Supervillain's Guide to Super Villainy:

• If you're going to blackmail an institution or an individual, make sure they actually have one-fifty-gazillion dollars, before you try.
  

If you're going to fake it, make sure the plan is idiot-proof!

So, we've all secretly wanted to do something crazy, like send David Hasselhoff a valentine's card or be the first person in the world to punch George Bush's lights out.
But if you're going to do something outlandish and risky, make sure it's executable dammit!
Take this 16-year-old Japanese kid, who walked into a nightclub and had a very extravagant evening, conning everyone into believing that he was a rather rich playboy. When the evening came to an end, he simply told staff that he had no money and couldn't pay the ¥370 000 bill.
Here's some advice from a trained professional and experienced Supervillain:
1) Always have an escape plan! - He should've gone "I'm just going to the bathroom" and then climbed out of the window, disappearing off into the night and leaving everyone to wonder if he'd eaten bad sushi.
2) Never give the game plan away! - Why on earth would you want to pull something off so stylishly and then throw it all away by admitting that you're conning everyone?
If you're going to be daring, be smart. The Idiot Club has enough members already, as well as an extremely long waiting-list.
Supervillains are smart, resourceful, never monologue and tell the 'hero' the intricate details of their evil plot and they never, ever get caught!