The Supervillain Guide to Torture

Being a Supervillain is tough - especially if you're doing it part time while you work to support your alter-ego lifestyle. Sometimes you have to rely on ready-made solutions, which is why I'm so excited about the launch of DSTv's new Afrikaans music channel kykNET Musiek.
Here's a simple solution for Supervillains looking for a quick-fix torture method. Now you can force victims of your superevil, supervillainy, to watch Steve Hoffmeyer assault Neil Diamond songs, all day long! Then there's other such local lyrical masters as Kurt Darren, Patricia Lewis & the revered Bles Bridges.
All you need is DSTv, a chair & a bit of rope - it really doesn't get much easier than this my fellow Supervillains!
This fantastic method is sure to leave deep scars in the depths of a victim's psyche, thanks to the 'polished' production used in many local music videos, the repetitive rhythms of Boere Orkes music & the bountiful archive of popular 'treffers' music that'll be on constant replay on the channel.
Never, ever look a cheap gift horse in the mouth!

Reality TV meets the Boerewors Curtain

Constipation is a serious matter!

According to News24, that Souff Efrikan stalwart Huisgenoot, is launching a reality TV series in which people will compete to win a job with the magazine for a year.

Huisegenoot are apparently looking for someone "who will be able to get involved with all aspects of the magazine". Read: we're looking for a lackey to work their arse off for us & do all the crappy jobs that no one else feels like doing.

Ask anyone who's worked at a magazine publisher before & they'll tell you that it's not all roses. In fact, it's more like dead, shredded roses with giant thorns that you're constantly pricking yourself on.

No doubt the series will be hugely popular with people across the country who live in the middle of nowhere (read: dorpies) & are stuck with DSTV as their only source of entertainment. These are the same people whose idea of literature is reading the 'romance' short stories in Huisegenoot, or the DSTV schedule guide.

In other words; I doubt there'll be many English viewers...

There will, however, be plenty of doe-eyed young dorpie girls entering, because it's been their life-long dream to be on TV & work at a fashion magazine. And they'll classify Huisgenoot as a fashion mag because they've seen some Mr Price items they've bought, featured in the mag. They'll also be the ones who get all their friends to 'like' their Facebook 'modelling' photos, in the hope that a renowned modelling agency or photographer will notice them & fly them over to Paris.

Now if I was a doe-eyed dorpie girl, I'd be very afraid of the judges. In fact, every potential competitor should be afraid; only 1 of them is smiling & looks friendly. The other two look constipated & disinterested. 

No good can come of this!