The Supervillain's Guide to Super Fashion: Part 1

Gone are the days of where you were considered fashionable if you wore your underwear on the outside of your spandex tights. These days it's all about high tech fabrics that keep you clothed & looking good while executing your villanous plans & photobombing Captain Awesome's frequent self portraits.
But unfortunately we must still be bombarded with 'fashion' that looks like a bunch of designers took LSD & then attempted to copy a 5-year-old's drawing of a fruit salad. Somewhere in between the chunks of pineapple & papaya, is a section dedicated to the love of 80s fashioin - a trend that has been assaulting our senses for too long now.
Which brings me to one of Groupon's latest offerings: the Designer Mullet Skirt.

• Firstly, the words 'designer' & 'mullet' have no place being grouped together like that. Use separate sentences or go home.
• Secondly, who wants to walk around looking like Billy Ray Cyrus got all Achy Breaky with some fabric on your sorry arse!
• Thirdly, the description says: "elasticated waist to ensure easy movement when out and about". Read: cheap manufacturing to ensure that it fits all sizes.
• Fourthly, they've used a Frankenmannequin - the hands don't match the arms. So clearly times are tough.
• Fifthly, one of the options on offer is a "Screw Mullet Skirt".

Yes, avoid at all costs!

With big hair comes big generosity

The band with one of the biggest hairspray endorsements in the 80s, is coming to South Africa in May next year. Yehp, Bon Jovi are gracing us with their presence, though the luscious long locks, have long since gone ladies.
But while their hair has thinned out, their hearts have clearly grown bigger & the band has decided to help out fans by dramatically cutting ticket prices for their UK shows. This is apparently in response to the furor caused by the Rolling Stones, who are charging an exorbitant amount for their 50th anniversary shows in the UK. The Stones fans have paid between R1330 & R5250 per ticket - prices the band clearly dreamed up after getting high on a combination of their hemorrhoid cream & bladder incontinence pills.
UK Bon Jovi fans however, can relive all things 80s for just R175. That's pretty darn cheap actually!

Rob Hallett, Bon Jovi's UK tour promoter from AEG Live, said the band felt rock fans were being priced out of the market and were determined to act.

He said: "I was delighted when they came to me insisting on ticket prices for the Because We Can tour next year that enabled all to attend."

"If we are to survive as an industry we need to move away from the elitist image of high prices and even higher secondary prices [for tickets resold].

"After all, rock and roll always was and always should be the music of the people, and that means everyone."

A Bon Jovi source added to the Daily Mirror newspaper: "We are in the middle of a ­recession and that's why the band think £12.50 is perfect."
(Source: news24.com)

Now either the Bon Jovi guys are wonderful & generous, or they are smart businessmen who know that this plan is a safe bet that will allow them to support their ageing rock star lifestyles.

South African Bon Jovi fans are not so lucky however: tickets for the Johannesburg & Cape Town concerts range from R300 to R1000, which is pretty steep for local pockets that have also been affected by the recession.

Clearly Big Concerts , big hair & big generosity don't go together too well...

Never gonna give up on the 80s

I have no idea how I missed this one, but it seems that there are enough people in South Africa to allow long-forgotten 80s artists the ability to stay abreast of plastic surgery trends & keep their Blue Steel pouts going strong.
It is worth noting, of course, that the venue for this 80s revival is in fact Mullet City, aka Centurion - where the Classic Mullet (the original that has been lovingly maintained over the past few decades) is joined by the Neo Mullet (the new & 'improved' version of the Classic) & the Telkom Mullet (a contractual obligation for Telkom employees of a certain age & language group).
No doubt Jacaranda (who else would organise something like this) is currently throwing free tickets at their listeners & probably organising local opening acts such as Steve Hoffmeyer & Patricia Lewis - who have unfortunately been around as long as the aforementioned hairstyle.
The ticket site's sales plug for the event is quite hilarious:
"Having this amount of International artists LIVE in one show makes this show the best value event of the year"
Of course at R700 a pop for Golden Circle tickets, one would expect to see current international artists at that "best value" price, but clearly plastic pout maintenance doesn't come cheap!
Also of note is the fact that the title should read "6 and a half International Acts" since Tony Hadley will be performing sans the remaining members of Spandau Ballet.
Fortunately for concert-goers, there's enough bad 80s fashion in stores for them to relive their golden days, although the neon tights might not fit so well anymore.