Cookies from the Dark Side

With big hair comes big generosity

The band with one of the biggest hairspray endorsements in the 80s, is coming to South Africa in May next year. Yehp, Bon Jovi are gracing us with their presence, though the luscious long locks, have long since gone ladies.
But while their hair has thinned out, their hearts have clearly grown bigger & the band has decided to help out fans by dramatically cutting ticket prices for their UK shows. This is apparently in response to the furor caused by the Rolling Stones, who are charging an exorbitant amount for their 50th anniversary shows in the UK. The Stones fans have paid between R1330 & R5250 per ticket - prices the band clearly dreamed up after getting high on a combination of their hemorrhoid cream & bladder incontinence pills.
UK Bon Jovi fans however, can relive all things 80s for just R175. That's pretty darn cheap actually!

Rob Hallett, Bon Jovi's UK tour promoter from AEG Live, said the band felt rock fans were being priced out of the market and were determined to act.

He said: "I was delighted when they came to me insisting on ticket prices for the Because We Can tour next year that enabled all to attend."

"If we are to survive as an industry we need to move away from the elitist image of high prices and even higher secondary prices [for tickets resold].

"After all, rock and roll always was and always should be the music of the people, and that means everyone."

A Bon Jovi source added to the Daily Mirror newspaper: "We are in the middle of a ­recession and that's why the band think £12.50 is perfect."
(Source: news24.com)

Now either the Bon Jovi guys are wonderful & generous, or they are smart businessmen who know that this plan is a safe bet that will allow them to support their ageing rock star lifestyles.

South African Bon Jovi fans are not so lucky however: tickets for the Johannesburg & Cape Town concerts range from R300 to R1000, which is pretty steep for local pockets that have also been affected by the recession.

Clearly Big Concerts , big hair & big generosity don't go together too well...

Never gonna give up on the 80s

I have no idea how I missed this one, but it seems that there are enough people in South Africa to allow long-forgotten 80s artists the ability to stay abreast of plastic surgery trends & keep their Blue Steel pouts going strong.
It is worth noting, of course, that the venue for this 80s revival is in fact Mullet City, aka Centurion - where the Classic Mullet (the original that has been lovingly maintained over the past few decades) is joined by the Neo Mullet (the new & 'improved' version of the Classic) & the Telkom Mullet (a contractual obligation for Telkom employees of a certain age & language group).
No doubt Jacaranda (who else would organise something like this) is currently throwing free tickets at their listeners & probably organising local opening acts such as Steve Hoffmeyer & Patricia Lewis - who have unfortunately been around as long as the aforementioned hairstyle.
The ticket site's sales plug for the event is quite hilarious:
"Having this amount of International artists LIVE in one show makes this show the best value event of the year"
Of course at R700 a pop for Golden Circle tickets, one would expect to see current international artists at that "best value" price, but clearly plastic pout maintenance doesn't come cheap!
Also of note is the fact that the title should read "6 and a half International Acts" since Tony Hadley will be performing sans the remaining members of Spandau Ballet.
Fortunately for concert-goers, there's enough bad 80s fashion in stores for them to relive their golden days, although the neon tights might not fit so well anymore.

Madonna's Magical Mirror

So dear ol' Madonna keeps 'reinventing' herself in an attempt to maintain a presence in popular music & to keep the ca$h inflow going.
Of course, much of this reinvention relies on the digital wonders of Photoshop & its ability to airbrush away the effects of gravity & old age on your face.
So once again Madonna looks amazingly young in the promo material for her new album MDNA & in the music vids.
I'd love to know just how many hours the digital retouch artists spent to make her look that young again...
Frankly, I think that she's secretly been funding the development of certain Photoshop tools, cos she has a vested interest in their magic affects. I'm sure that she also has a team of digital retouch artists that have been trained in her super secret special facility somewhere in Mongolia, where potential prodigies are trained from a young age to make her look good & digitally turn back the hands of time.
The digital retouching on her photos is starting to become extreme & I'm sure there's going to come a day where she will simply not be able to go out in public - because the digital & real versions will be so disparate that her physical appearance will become harmful to her brand.
She might even have to resort to becoming all 'mysterious' & wearing a cowl, like Emperor Palpatine. In fact, she might just be Emperor Palpatine... Which means that soon she will need an apprentice with a uniform that has a large cellphone attached to the front, with the Emergency Pizza Dial Button.

Sense, sensibility & popular mu$ic

The evolution of popular music is quite a fascinating topic. It's progress has been spurred on by technological developments like the widespread publishing of sheet music, radio broadcasting, music videos, youtube, digital media, etcetera, etcetera.
Of course, mainstream music is fueled by masses of fans, who buy into the marketing & media hype that is now the mu$ic machine, made popular because essentially; people like being dictated to.
Being dictated to means that you don't have to think much about what clothes you wear, how your hair looks, what car you drive, the places you eat at & what music you listen to. You spend most of your time finding out what people around you are into, & copying them...
Now, before you start throwing abuse my way, try to remember that I am talking about pop music in general. While there are some exceptions, the pop music scene is generally filled with carefully constructed products (in human form) that are designed to generate large amounts of income for record companies. The 'music' & 'lyrics' (& I use those in the loosest sense of the words) are meant to be catchy & easy to listen to. Constant repetition on radio stations means that while you may not like it initially, eventually it'll grow on you & then you'll find yourself singing it in the shower or the car on the way to work.
In essence, popular music is much like fashion: a minority group of 'experts' dictate to the masses, telling them what is 'good'. The masses eagerly lap it up & overnight make it look like it was their idea in the first place.
In the words of Madonna: mu$ic makes the people come together...

At this point I'd like to remind you of what else the 'experts' & the masses have considered a good idea in the past: Hitler, George W. Bush, Justin Bieber, Milli Vanilli, mullets, plastic shoes, blood-letting, the Crusades, hydrogen-filled airships, etcetera, etcetera.
Just because it's popular, doesn't mean that it's 'good' by default. Take a sober look at today's so-called "chart-toppers" & you'll see what I mean.

Oh boy. Paris is at it again...

So after her first dismal attempt at a "music" career, Paris Hilton is trying to release her second album More Proof That There Are Stupid People Out There Who Keep Encouraging Me. She's run into a spot of trouble however; apparently she can't find a record label that is willing to release it... ahahaha!

Paris, maybe the music industry is trying to tell you something! No really, they're just using the phrase "global economic crisis" as an excuse. You're that bad!
Song titles include:
My puppy Tinkerbell, where art thou?
Curling irons are the bestest invention ever!!!!!
No wait, straightening irons are the bestest!!!!!!!!!
Nose jobs are easy.
All I want for xmas is eleventy billion dollars daddy.
One day I'll run for guvener of california

Let's hope Paris doesn't do an indi release...

Robbie's music finally finds a use in China

Take a note from Robbie Willaims' book: if your music doesn't sell, recycle it!
No, I'm not talking about paying some DJ to take your failed single and remix a dance version, hoping that it'll at least be an underground hit in dance clubs across the world.
I'm talking about taking the estimated 1 million copies of Robbie Williams' Rudebox album, crushing up the cd and selling the material to China, to be used in road-resurfacing and street light manufacturing. How noble of Robbie to sacrifice all those copies sitting in the EMI warehouse.
Now, for all those failed artists out there, wondering what to do with those albums in the garage, think about recycling them. They'd certainly be more useful as road surfacing than anything you ever hoped for.