Cookies from the Dark Side

The Supervillain's Guide to Reality vs Fantasy

Here on the left we have proof that even celebrities have bad hair days. Either that, or Alexander Skarsgard had just kissed a taser for a dare & was now deeply concerned about the state of his underwear while the photo was being taken.
But as we all know, bad hair days don't kill your celebrity status or cause you to lose lucrative movie roles.
Skarsgard has been tipped as the favourite to star in Warner Brother's upcoming Tarzan movie, which will apparently start filming next year.
This is good news for Skarsgard fans & fans of The Lord of the Apes stories.
It isn't, however, good news for one DeWet du Toit - a self-styled Tarzan fanboy, whose story was featured on news sites across the world in January this year.

du Toit spends his time playing Tarzan in the jungle near George in the Western Cape - which is rather ironic considering that the George of the Jungle cartoon series was originally inspired by Tarzan. But coincidences aside, du Toit has been immersing himself in the character of Tarzan, living in the 'jungle' for 3 days a week, when he runs around barefoot in a loin cloth.
During the rest of the week, he seems to divide his time between his job as a personal trainer & convincing Hollywood bigwigs that he should be the next Tarzan. His efforts have included numerous hours of self-tan application, sunbed use, black hair dye applied to his locks & the filming of short Tarzan-like movies, where he runs around with shaved legs - who knew that Tarzan invented the lady-razor?
So here's the Supervillain SuperReality Check: in a fantastical world, an ex-security guard from Namibia who runs around in a loin cloth, would be plucked from obscurity to star in a huge blockbuster based on his idol, going on to star in 5 sequels & living in a giant & luxury tree house for the rest of his life.
In reality, big names mean big money & studios will always pick a star that will guarantee them a successful return on their monetary investment in the movie's production.
It's another reason why Robin Hood spoke with an American accent & the studio had no problem with it.
In the words of Abba: money money money, ain't it funny, in a rich man's world...

Life's SO hard when you're popular...

... so many people, such little time!
That's probably what the Father of Our Nation (aka Steve Hofmeyr) is thinking right now!
That's because Die Hoff is so unbelievably popular, that he barely has the time to manage the burdensome popularity that fame has brought.
This is, of course, thanks to the legions of fans worldwide, who snap up his award-winning music & make it impossible for him to live a normal life - like being able to pop down to the Sasol in his stokies, for a late night cigarette run.
But, as with all big celebrities, Steve Hofmeyr has an agent & a contingency of staff to deal with the stuff that he's too popular for. Anything from doing his laundry, organising his backstage 'poppies' for after the show, to managing his marketing & booking his spot on the next Treffers album.
But when it comes to his online presence, Die Hoff has a more hands-on approach it seems...
Hofmeyr's Wikipedia page was recently hacked by someone whose distaste for Die Hoff is well-matched by their sense of humour.
Yesterday the page featured some funny edits, including the line that Steve is "a prominent member of the Mormon Church split group, known as The Morons, who believe members should conceive as many children with as many women as possible".
Like any popular celebrity, Hofmeyr has taken it in his stride, turning to Twitter to state that this type of thing happens almost every week & that Team Die Hoff don't even bother with corrections.
Clearly Team DH isn't a bunch of proactive people. It might have something to do with the fact that his music is probably played in the staff toilets...
Another amazing thing is that Steve Hofmeyr is just so incredibly popular & well-known, that his Wikipedia page is targeted almost every week! That's just incredible, considering how many South Africans have editing rights on Wikipedia.
What's also incredible is that according to the page's Revision History, there are plenty of weeks where the page hasn't been touched, at all.
Yes, life's very hard when you're as popular as Steve Hofmeyr, because sometimes the overwhelming demands of being a celebrity cause you to forget the minor details of your fame...

How many SAA staff does it take to get me a drink?

164.8 apparently - that's the number of SAA employees per aircraft, which makes it one of the most inefficient airlines in the world.
So government has just spent R5 billion bailing out a badly-run airline, with taxpayer's money. Clearly this is a smart move - keeping a troubled airline afloat at the expense of the public, while the fat cats at the top of the giant pyramid that is SAA, continue to rake in huge salaries & bonuses.
SAA's 2011 staff expense totalled R4.417bncan & I'd love to see the breakdown of their remuneration structure. No doubt a large percentage of that goes straight to the small group of top earners in the company, while the rest gets distributed to commoners working underneath them.
Very much like feudalism, whereby the guy at the top had everything.

But SAA can at least celebrate the fact that they are not the most inefficient airline in the world. That honour goes to Air India who have 221 employees per aircraft. It's worth noting however, that Air India have also been bailed out with taxpayer's money, by their government...

With big hair comes big generosity

The band with one of the biggest hairspray endorsements in the 80s, is coming to South Africa in May next year. Yehp, Bon Jovi are gracing us with their presence, though the luscious long locks, have long since gone ladies.
But while their hair has thinned out, their hearts have clearly grown bigger & the band has decided to help out fans by dramatically cutting ticket prices for their UK shows. This is apparently in response to the furor caused by the Rolling Stones, who are charging an exorbitant amount for their 50th anniversary shows in the UK. The Stones fans have paid between R1330 & R5250 per ticket - prices the band clearly dreamed up after getting high on a combination of their hemorrhoid cream & bladder incontinence pills.
UK Bon Jovi fans however, can relive all things 80s for just R175. That's pretty darn cheap actually!

Rob Hallett, Bon Jovi's UK tour promoter from AEG Live, said the band felt rock fans were being priced out of the market and were determined to act.

He said: "I was delighted when they came to me insisting on ticket prices for the Because We Can tour next year that enabled all to attend."

"If we are to survive as an industry we need to move away from the elitist image of high prices and even higher secondary prices [for tickets resold].

"After all, rock and roll always was and always should be the music of the people, and that means everyone."

A Bon Jovi source added to the Daily Mirror newspaper: "We are in the middle of a ­recession and that's why the band think £12.50 is perfect."
(Source: news24.com)

Now either the Bon Jovi guys are wonderful & generous, or they are smart businessmen who know that this plan is a safe bet that will allow them to support their ageing rock star lifestyles.

South African Bon Jovi fans are not so lucky however: tickets for the Johannesburg & Cape Town concerts range from R300 to R1000, which is pretty steep for local pockets that have also been affected by the recession.

Clearly Big Concerts , big hair & big generosity don't go together too well...

Never gonna give up on the 80s

I have no idea how I missed this one, but it seems that there are enough people in South Africa to allow long-forgotten 80s artists the ability to stay abreast of plastic surgery trends & keep their Blue Steel pouts going strong.
It is worth noting, of course, that the venue for this 80s revival is in fact Mullet City, aka Centurion - where the Classic Mullet (the original that has been lovingly maintained over the past few decades) is joined by the Neo Mullet (the new & 'improved' version of the Classic) & the Telkom Mullet (a contractual obligation for Telkom employees of a certain age & language group).
No doubt Jacaranda (who else would organise something like this) is currently throwing free tickets at their listeners & probably organising local opening acts such as Steve Hoffmeyer & Patricia Lewis - who have unfortunately been around as long as the aforementioned hairstyle.
The ticket site's sales plug for the event is quite hilarious:
"Having this amount of International artists LIVE in one show makes this show the best value event of the year"
Of course at R700 a pop for Golden Circle tickets, one would expect to see current international artists at that "best value" price, but clearly plastic pout maintenance doesn't come cheap!
Also of note is the fact that the title should read "6 and a half International Acts" since Tony Hadley will be performing sans the remaining members of Spandau Ballet.
Fortunately for concert-goers, there's enough bad 80s fashion in stores for them to relive their golden days, although the neon tights might not fit so well anymore.

The Supervillain Guide to Torture

Being a Supervillain is tough - especially if you're doing it part time while you work to support your alter-ego lifestyle. Sometimes you have to rely on ready-made solutions, which is why I'm so excited about the launch of DSTv's new Afrikaans music channel kykNET Musiek.
Here's a simple solution for Supervillains looking for a quick-fix torture method. Now you can force victims of your superevil, supervillainy, to watch Steve Hoffmeyer assault Neil Diamond songs, all day long! Then there's other such local lyrical masters as Kurt Darren, Patricia Lewis & the revered Bles Bridges.
All you need is DSTv, a chair & a bit of rope - it really doesn't get much easier than this my fellow Supervillains!
This fantastic method is sure to leave deep scars in the depths of a victim's psyche, thanks to the 'polished' production used in many local music videos, the repetitive rhythms of Boere Orkes music & the bountiful archive of popular 'treffers' music that'll be on constant replay on the channel.
Never, ever look a cheap gift horse in the mouth!

The Supervillain Guide to Growing Old UnGracefully

There's nothing quite like an watching an aging popstar clutch desperately at the frayed edges of their youth, relaunching themselves every 3 years in new & flimsy genres that see them wearing ever more revealing clothing, collaborating with so-called current 'artists' while using ever increasing shock tactics & extreme Photoshop adjustments on their album covers.
It is quite ridiculous & Ms 'I Will Not Age Quietly' Madonna is certainly leading the race in persisting past your expiry date.

Adding to the controversy plaguing her MDNA tour is the singer's 'any attention is good attention' stunt. Madonna showed her support for a Pakistani child activist who is in a critical condition after an assassination attempt by the Taliban, by performing a striptease during a recent performance in Los Angeles.
Well done Madonna, clearly dementia is setting in after all those years of being exposed to Extreme Hold Hairspray!
Here's a girl lobbying for women's education in a Muslim country & you think it's a good idea to get your kit off in her name.
Yeah, Intentions: 10/10, Execution: 0/10
So an overall A+ for stupidity...

People in glass houses, shouldn't go topless

Everyone's kicking up such a fuss about Mrs "I'll Probably Be Queen Someday Soon"'s topless photos.
And the Royal camp is not only aghast with horror, but surprised by this turn of events?
Really?
Let's think about this for a second shall we?
The Duchess of Cambridge has been in the public eye for a number of years now - she knows that she is regularly followed. And in today's modern world of instant communication, everyone knows where you are all of the time.
She has sunbathed topless in the past - she's just never been caught on camera doing it before. In fact, her sister has been photographed topless on vacation, in the presence of her husband Prince William. So clearly topless sun bathing isn't much of an issue for both families.
Now if you are a member of the British Royal Family & you're looking to tan your nipples, then surely you'd want to ensure that you had the utmost privacy while doing so? Like, perhaps, sunbathing at an enclosed pool where you the only way to spy on you would be with a helicopter?
While I understand that everyone has a right to privacy, Mrs "I'm a princess bitches!" has unfortunately traded a large percentage of her's for being part of Prince William's life. So you have to be extra careful.
So careful, in fact, that you avoid hanging out topless on a balcony that overlooks a huge area of open land & a public road...

The Supervillain Guide to Modern Day Dictatorship

If you're going to make it as a dictator these days, you have to be smart. Really smart.
Unfortunately modern technology has given the average person a lot more power in terms of communication. So gone are the days where you could eradicate a few troublesome peasants & bury their bodies in their backyard frozen wasteland, without too much fuss. No one would've missed them in the past - their relatives would've thought that the telephone lines were down again because of heavy snowfall in their remote location.
But, alas, modern technology has changed all that & The Masses really are masses! These days if you piss off a bunch of people, you piss off their friends, relatives, Facebook friends, blog followers, twitter followers & basically anyone who reads their online complaints (or hears about their struggles) & agrees with them.
This makes it really difficult to operate as normal if you're a dictator.
Take everyone's favourite former KGB agent: Vladimir Putin - the former General Secretary of the United Russia, former Prime Minister of Russia, former Chairman of United Russia, former Chairman of the Council of Ministers of the Union of Russia and Belarus and of course, the current & long-serving President of Russia.
Busy man.
Since his 'election' this year, which has been dogged by controversy, many Russians in Moscow have publicly opposed his re-election, by holding protests. Putin has reacted to these with either a tough show of force, law changes, pretending nothing has happened or blaming it all on American politicians.
It seems like he hasn't been able to make up his mind on how to deal with this in a modern world. With his Tough Guy image & KGB history, he probably longs for the glory days where he could just kill everyone who opposed him & keep their friends and relatives quiet with threats.
Now he has to deal with growing support for the opposition & worldwide interest. And unfortunately for Putin, the opposition is gathering momentum as more & more people join the protests in Moscow. His camp conveniently keep on underestimating the numbers, downplaying the momentum that is gathering against him. But the whole Pussy Riot incident has just brought more attention to the opposition & more support.
So how should a modern day dictator react? Like other modern day dictators have - by cutting off internet & mobile services to the public. As opposition against Putin increases, I expect to see the Russian government clamping down on ISPs & mobile service companies.
But of course, that'll only serve to aggravate things further...