"Spend MORE money on my lavish lifestyle to ensure tourism please"

King Goodwill Zwelithini has officially requested that the government refurbish his palaces & display his portrait in public places (in KZN) during the Soccer World Cup. Apparently this will attract tourism to the province of KwaZulu Natal.
I highly doubt that seeing a poster that says 'This is the Zulu king' is going to make foreigners go: "I must return to this sacred place, because there is a king here. I will spend my hard-earned money to return here so that I may journey to the far reaches of this province, & pay homage to this great king of the Zulus."
More likely it is just another attempt to get millions from government to spend on his expensive lifestyle.

Malema-isms or Julius-isms? I think I'll go with JuMa-isms

If Julius Malema were the ANCYL's superhero mascot, his spandex outfit would be appalling.
On the right is the ANCYL's logo, which is fine, but we all know how well those colours look on outfits (think of those awful tracksuits our athletes have been forced to don through the years).
But as far as superheros go, Malema is doing a sterling job in the same way that George Bush did: outlandish claims and some serious misapplication of the English language.
Of course, his superhero name would be something deemed trendy by his PR team. Something like JuMa, & so, for the remainder of his political career, that is what I shall refer to him as. Some people refer to him as Juju, but this sounds far too much like a chewy sweet that a five-year-old would appreciate.

But now for the supervillain rant.

The latest fiasco regarding his lavish lifestyle certainly has him pissed, hence his attempts to distract our attention by shouting loudly about something or the other. Kind've like Jeremy Clarkson does when he's unimpressed with the handling of a sports car round the Top Gear race track.
Unfortunately Clarkson & JuMa will never learn that shouting at or about anything will not bring about some magical change.
Fortunately for Clarkson (and Top Gear fans), that is where the similarities end.
JuMa, however, continues down the "if I point fingers, maybe you'll forget about my dirty laundry" path.

And so, we now move on to the so-called "intelligence document" that "intelligence officers" apparently handed over to him recently.
(Please note that the word "intelligence" will always appear in inverted commas in this post, for rather obvious reasons...)
And according to JuMa, the police have also verified the validity of the "intelligence" document.
I can just imagine the verification process now:

*JuMa walks into his local police station with his entourage, usual pomp & ceremony and a piece of paper in his hand. Scanning the room to see if anyone is admiring his tailored suit, he prances up to the counter and grabs the attention of the nearest officer by slamming said piece of paper down on the counter*
JuMa: 'Officer! I want you to verify that document!'
*Officer blinks back at JuMa for a few seconds before examining the paper*
Officer: Well sir, I can verify that it is a piece of paper & that there is writing on it. It seems to be list of names.'
JuMa: 'Exactly! *gestures triumphantly to his entourage* It is a list of names!'
Officer: 'Yes sir, it is. Would you like me to officially verify & stamp it?'
JuMa: 'Yes!' *nods enthusiastically*
Officer: 'Ok'
*The officer hands back the paper when he is finished*
Officer: 'Now sir, if you can just sign here *points* & here *indicates again* & then we are good to go.'
*At the instruction, JuMa proudly signs in the alloted places*
JuMa: 'Right, now we have the evidence of a political plot!'
Officer: 'You know *examines signatures* that writing looks familiar...'

Frankly the claim smells fishy to me, along with the numerous other claims & accusations JuMa has made of late.
The SAPS has not confirmed that the document has been brought to their attention.
How convenient that this is brought to our attention by the man who is under a immense public scrutiny right now?
It also begs the question: if (& that's a really big 'if' there!) "intelligence" officers handed the document to him, what the hell are National Intelligence Agency operatives doing handing out "intelligence" reports to political parties?!?!
It makes me wonder what kind of reports the KISS Party & the Soccer Party are getting...

Further details of the claim can be found on IOL's site.

World Cup ticket prices slashed for locals

So Fifa have woken up & realised that 1) local soccer fans can't afford ridiculous ticket prices, 2) foreigners are being ripped off by local businesses & 3) loads of people have been scared off from coming to the country by sensationalism & over-the-top media reports.
Ticket sales haven't been as good as they'd hoped & so now they've "revised" their approach & are planning on slashing prices for locals in order to fill stadiums.
Tickets will be sold to South Africans at around $20 a seat - which is around R155 a ticket - far more affordable than the previous prices.

$$$$$ just to be deafened by vuvuzelas?

Have you actually had a look at how much ticket prices for the World Cup are? The crappy seats are R490 & for an average seat you are looking at R1400-R1800!
How are the local soccer fans supposed to afford that?
All those lovely adverts encouraging locals to buy tickets & be there for the historical event are pointless. Most of the local soccer fans are in the low income tax bracket - even R490 is too much for them.
Oh yeah & in case you're confined to a wheelchair, you can get a spot at R490 too. Not that disabled people could afford that either, considering how few of them have employment & how little those that do, get paid...

So now that the stadiums are going to be filled by foreigners, those South Africans who turn to their usual option of going to a sports bar, will probably have to look elsewhere.
Apparently the Department of Trade & Industry have drafted a legislation that will require any pub, restaurant, hotel or university to purchase a R50 000 special liquor license if they want to screen World Cup matches & sell liquor at the same time.
WTF!?!?!
I'm sure this one is going to go down well...

Spiderman Spiderman, does whatever a Batman can

So the first Spiderman movie was damn cool. It launched a whole new era for superhero movies. Spawning loads of copycats; some succeeding and some failing dismally, reminding us of those bygone days of cheesy comic book adaptations that no one took seriously at all - think George Clooney & Chris O'Donnel's bad chemistry and Uma Thurman's appalling attempt at Poison Ivy.
Of course, we all waited with bated breath for the second Spiderman movie, which turned out pretty dismal. Of the third attempt very little can be said, suffice to say that I think a goat herder in outer Mongolia could produce a more interesting movie.

I used to enjoy Spiderman cartoons as a kid, but the novelty wore off for me eventually. I think it was Mary Jane who was responsible for my diminishing interest. I found her pretty annoying in the long run & I had hoped that they would redeem her in the movies.
They didn't.
In fact, they seem to have exasperated the annoyance factor by playing up the fickle "I'm a blond idiot who can't decide on something & stick to it" trait.
So in all, the first Spidey movie received much acclaim, setting up audiences for what they hoped would be a sound set of sequels. But alas, the movies fell short of the fans' dreams. Way short.

Introducing: the relaunched Batman movie franchise.
Well-directed movies showcasing the gritty, dark reality side of Batman's alter-ego Bruce Wayne & the fact that being a superhero isn't about spandex, hot chicks & over-the-top villains. (Yes, I know the Spidey movies tried that too, but they just didn't get the formula right)
In short: the Batman movies worked because they were believable, well cast & weren't directed like one very long music video.

And so, now that DC Comics have kicked some serious ass with their relaunched franchise, Marvel are attempting to redeem themselves again by "relaunching" the Spiderman movie franchise.
Personally I think they're trying to torture us even further with Mary Jane, but that's just my opinion...
They've "fired" main star Toby Maguire & Sam Raimi, the director, so I guess we'll see who they chose to torture us with next.
Oh yeah, and following the major success of Avatar, Spiderman 4 will apparently be in 3D. So now you'll get to see Mary Jane whine in 3 dimensions.
Great.
Fortunately we can breathe easy for a while - the release is set for July 2012.
Unfortunately, we'll probably have to watch Zac Efron or one of the Jonas brothers squirt webs out of their wrists...

Woolworths stop shaving their chickens

Supervillains need to eat, much like camels, fish, minions & other such things like the rest of the human race.
So I noticed at my local Woolworths store the other day (while shopping for SuperVillainous Supplies), that they've changed the name of some of their products in what can only be an attempt to comply with some ridiculous guilt-free guidelines on product marketing:
Woolworths are no longer shaving their chickens, pigs, turkeys & cows it seems - because obviously that is politically incorrect & suggests that they torture the animals before they slaughter them in cold blood for the sake of their hungry, meat-eating customers.
Gone are the packs of shaved/sliced ham & chicken; now we have skinny poultry & meat in the form of "Wafer Thin" packs.
So shaving your farm animals is out, but keeping them skinny & cat-walk ready is fine. Just as long as they don't sound tortured before they're killed for the dinner table...

The depths of MTN stupidity knows no bounds

When you're running a SuperVillain campaign - or at least trying to, you need equipment that works properly. Like a successful utility belt that cinches in the waist & has kickass little gadgets that can assist you with those daily tasks like scaling a wall or stealing ice cream from unsuspecting brats.
Needless to say; stuff must work - like your cellphone! No SuperVillain can survive these days without one. After all, your minions are available at a touch of a few buttons & you can order pizza to your SuperEvilVillainousLair in a jiffy. Convinience, I name the Mobile SuperVillain Phone!
So I have been a MTN customer for years now & one thing I have learned is that they are incredibly similar to car companies out there; they'll smile widely & give you a great deal in order to get you to purchase their car, but when something goes wrong - you can forget about any backup/support service.
I recently upgraded my phone to the HTC Hero (which I'm loving btw) & somehow in the process, my 500mb data bundle (that I'd had for 2 years) got canceled.
So I've wasted TONS of "voice" time on data, loaded extra airtime on my Top-Up contract account, wasted that money too, phoned MTN, gotten them to reload the data bundle, bought more airtime, wasted it again, found out that there's no freakin data bundle on my account!
I've jumped up & down, contacted supervisors & managers, driven to the shop where I upgraded, jumped up & down some more, waited 2 weeks, driven back, lost it, calmed down, vented, steamed & held myself back from strangling a LOT of people.
Now I have to wait until they bill me before they can see the screw-up they've made, because apparently, it's impossible for them to see their mistake before the invoice is issued.
I think I've met fungi with more coherent thoughts than the individuals at MTN that I've dealt with.

No squirrels with guns, but lots of raptors at Eddie Izzard

So my abs were suitably worked last night at Eddie Izzard - the man is BRILLIANT! I can only hope that he returns to South Africa on a regular basis now.
The material was familiar in a sense that he touched on some classics & old favourites, but everything had a new approach & spin on it.
I attended the extra show that was slotted in at the last minute - all his Johannesburg shows were sold out.
Hopefully he'll realise that he has a wide audience in the country & return next year.

Top Gear Live is only for skinny people

Because those seats are TINY! I'm 1.72m tall & 55kgs - and even I felt very squished...

All in all, the live show is pretty cool, although next year I will sit much closer to the front because the sound at the back isn't that great.
Pros:

• Unbelievable stunt driving in a very small space
• The tickets were a gift - not paying for something like that is pretty cool
• Jeremy Clarkson & James May are funny (even if you can tell they're a bit tired of saying the same joke for the 11th time)
• Audience participation ideas were damn nifty
• Drool-worthy vehicles
• They played soccer with cars & the dents were cool - some staged moves but still great to watch
• The loop of death was awesome!
• 
  
• The Stig!!! - though I think it was one of the stunt drivers who'd stolen Stig's clothes in a vain attempt to score some chicks.
• Up close & personal with the hot cars in the exhibition
• James May & Jeremy Clarkson in person!
• Some nice pyrotechnics

Cons:

• Merchandise was ridiculously expensive! - R200 for a cardboard cut-out of the Stig (I almost beat up a little rich kid who had one...), R100 for a mug or a little keyring!!!
• Sasha Martinengo as a lame replacement for Richard Hammond (I'm not a Sasha fan)
• No Richard Hammond :-(
• Not enough of the Stig
• Stig "skit/gameshow-thingy" was a lame idea - could've been better
• Sound quality wasn't 100%

Will I go again: YES!
Next time I will take a cushion, sit in the front row for some leg room & hope that Richard Hammond is there ;-)

Take a number & wait in the queue

So we have Google SA, our very own local branch of the giant corporation; which currently consists of less than 10 people sitting in a little office in Dimen$ion Data's sprawl in Bryanston.
They've been around for a little while now, promising a lot in the local media & going through staff like paper cups at the water dispenser.
According to the 'Country Manager' Stephen Newton (appointed last year), South Africans are in for an exciting Google-filled year.
Once again, there's a lot of promises being thrown out there, but if you're an HTC owner - you'll have to wait a little longer.
The HTC Hero was locally released in the 4th quarter of last year, running that nifty little OS that's set to take over the world: Google's Android.
Of course, the phone was shipped with version 1.5 and there's been a few updates & versions since then. There's also a few bugs/problems with the phone, that the latest version fixes rather nicely.
The annoying news is that there's no definite solution for Hero owners locally.
HTC's official response is:

Google Global has not given Google SA the authority to release ROM 2.0 or higher. And we cannot confirm if the software will be released or not. We need to wait for the Google SA updates.

The unofficial verdict from the local distributors of HTC products is that Google want to do the update as a network download available to local owners - over 100mb for people to download over their 'reliable' network...
Of course, they're trying to convince Google to allow walk-in upgrades (whether this is at one of their support centers, or the service provider's stores, is unclear). The issue should apparently be resolved by the end of February.
Great.
So I buy an Android-enabled device, with the hope that my life will be blessed by the simplicity & genius of the software, only to get bugged down by the politics of 3rd world technology issues.
Long live Google SA & their promises of "a better, more innovative web".
-cough cough-
Just wait for the new Motorola Droid people - you can upgrade to the latest version through the device.

Jacob Zuma smokes his 20th cigar

I've been told that becoming a dad is a momentous occasion, filled with pride, apprehension and awe.

Of course, I'm sure by the 20th time, the feelings aren't so fresh & you're probably quite blasé about the whole thing.
Yes, Jacob Zuma has done it again - obviously he didn't shower after this one...

It must be difficult, managing the presidency of a country, being married 5 times, having 2 fiancées, 20 children, a few trials under you belt - I can't imagine the stress this man is under.
He must be taking tips from Tiger Woods.