A note on monologuing

Rule #63 of The Supervillain's Guide to Super Villainy:

• Monologuing is for amateurs!

If you have to spend time explaining the hows & whys of your Super Evil Plan, to your goody-two-shoes, spandexed counterpart, while they surreptitiously free themselves of the bonds you tied them up in (so that they could watch helplessly as you implement Operation World Domination), then you've chosen an idiot for a nemesis.
A question like: "Do you know why I'm going to flood every major city on the planet with septic water Captain Squeaky Clean?" is a rhetorical question. Not the kind of one you then answer yourself, giving the 'hero' a chance to break free and thwart your plan in the final moments!
I know it's hard to find an intelligent 'hero' these days, but explaining yourself over & over, can get rather annoying and dull. And a nemesis is supposed to know you, be a reflection of you, in a sick and twisted way. So if they don't automatically get why you're going to open up a portal to the world of the warring lizard men- who you've made a dark pact with to wipe out all the idiots who chew gum with their mouths open- then they're not the right person to be your counterpart!
What's the point of doing villainous deeds when you have to keep explaining them all the time? You want people to be able to figure it out for themselves, without holding their hands and spelling it out for them.
So when you pick your arch rival, make sure they have at least two braincells to rub together!

Of Quiet Diplomacy & Other such nonsense :P

There are a number of mysteries in life. Like; why do the English have such bad teeth? Why is it that motorists with personalised number plates are such morons on the road? And what the hell is "Quiet Diplomacy" supposed to achieve???
It seems the crisis in Zimbabwe is going to be 'discussed' by regional African leaders in Zambia soon, and Thabo Mbeki is dashing of to Harare in his super hero suit, to speak to Robert Mugabe beforehand.
Bob is quite adept at the monologuing habit that villains are known for, so I can just imagine the conversation:
Bob: "Welcome Thabo, did you fly here on an evil colonial plane, or did you use one of your own?"
Thabo: "My own Bob, I-"
Bob: "Good. Did you know that I'm considering replacing my organs with synthetic organs, one by one?"
Thabo: "No, I-"
Bob: "It'll extend my life to beyond a hundred, so I can rule Zimbabwe for another 30 years or so."
Thabo: "Bob, maybe you should-"
Bob: "Colonial medicine has advanced quite a bit eh? Even though it's evil."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "So after I've replaced all my organs, I'll reign over all Zimbabwe for a long time. Then, I'll have myself cryogenically frozen, so that I can come back 100 years later & rule again! Great idea right?"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "Don't you love what I've done with the place?" -indicates to the scenery of Harare- "I'm going for that whole western look. Oh no, not Western, as in Evil White Supremacist Colonial look. I'm going for that Wild West look."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "You know, that whole dust, dirt & tumble weeds look. Where people have to eke out a living from nothing, run-down towns and crazy injuns."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "So do you like it?"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "Me too. I don't think the people of Zimbabwe get it though. I've tried having a word with them about it, but none of them have seen any Westerns, so they don't quite get the idea. It's a pity really, because... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

At this point in time, I'd like to point out that SuperVillains are adept monologuers too. Only stupid people tell others their evil plans, before they've actually done them. And only villain wannabes monologue about worthless information.

Apathy Man take 2

I think Apathy Man may have been planted by my enemies, in a clever effort to drive me insane! I will have to find the perpetrator(s) and punish them.
Apathy Man, however, is completely oblivious to the fact, too busy wallowing in the black hole of self-pity, to notice.
Someone will pay for all of this!

Well done Bob

If Zimbabwe was a monarchy, the symbol of Robert Mugabe's power would not be the usual crown and scepter. Instead it would be his black-rimmed glasses, which could possibly be the very same ones he first donned about 30 years ago.
And if Bob was the monarch of Zimbabwe, his glasses would be handed to the individual next-in-line to the throne. But only after Bob had been dead for 200 years, and all manner of science and dark magic had been used in a vain attempt to revive him from his frozen, cryogenic slumber.
And if he did have a throne, he would glue himself to it, securing the deal with some rope and a staple gun.
And after realising that he would have to visit the loo at some point, he would slowly but surely have his organs replaced with mechanical ones, in his effort to rule Zimbabwe for all eternity.
And Robo-Bob would have many minions to maintain his artificial organs, upgrading each organ as soon as a new edition came out, funded by money bled from the few remaining citizens of the country.
And in 500 years time, when Zimbabwe will be nothing but plains of dust and tumbleweeds (except for the Presidential mansion), Bob will still be blaming the West for the demise of the country and claiming that it is all an evil conspiracy to derail his rule.

Taking over the world can be a busy process at times

Sometimes a SuperVillain's life becomes nothing but go, go, go! It's a hard life, but someone has to do it. And so, my world domination plans have monopolised my time of late, affording me no opportunity to update this site. I do apologise, but consider it an opportunity to take some of my guidelines and implement them in your own villainous schemes and plans.