The Supervillain's Guide to Legacy

My favourite African dictator is at it again - providing us with a fantastic example of Supervillainy.
Surprise, surprise: Robert Mugabe has once again been 'chosen' as Zanu-PF's presidential candidate for next year's 'elections' in Zimbabwe. This was after super-gluing the presidential crown to his head, just before the announcement at a party conference.
After the announcement, Mugabe took to the stage to tell his supporters that their free T-shirts & food would be made available after the conference had ended, & that Zanu-PF would fight like a "wounded beast" to "win all our power back".
His show of determination is certainly inspiring, as is the story that his talented son is being discriminated against. Mugabe's wife Grace, took the opportunity to inform journalists at the conference that their eldest son Robert (19) has had to abandon his dreams of becoming a famous basketball star in the US, due to sanctions against him.

"We had to sit him down and explain that he cannot join a club playing in the US college league because of the sanctions. It hurt him because there was a lot of interest in him, but now he understands what it means to be the son of President Mugabe,"

Oddly enough the Telegraph reports that none of Mugabe's offspring are listed on any US or European sanction lists. It also reports that Mugabe's son failed his 'A' levels.
If his father has taught him one thing, it must be perseverance. Persevere & obtain your goal, and don't worry how you achieve it. And if you can't obtain your goal, just resort to violence & intimidation to get it.
Yes, now there's a legacy worth continuing...

Well I would've succeeded, if it wasn't for those pesky Ozzy spies!

So it was revealed today that a squadron of super-skilled, super-secret Australian SAS soldiers have been "operating at large in Africa, performing work normally done by spies".

Apparently, their "operations have raised serious concerns within the Australian military and intelligence community because they involve countries where Australia is not at war."

Really????

This explains a few things, like back in December 2008 when Robert Mugabe said that the cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe was a result of British & American forces poisoning their pristine water supplies...

These guys must've been pretty busy over the last few years, what with all the cholera outbreaks across Zimbabwe - so much poisoning to do & such little time! Plus it must've been hard putting on American or British accents with their thick ozzie ones.

So while these Bruces have been mucking about across Africa, how on earth did the Australian government not notice that an entire SAS squadron chose Harare as their top holiday destination?!?!?
And what exactly have they been doing in Nigeria, Zimbabwe & Kenya - investigating the countries for strategic sheep purposes???
In the words of Steve Irwin: "Crikey mate! What a whopper!"

How to steal money from South Africans & Other Such Handy Tips from the National Lottery Board

So the National Lottery Board has finally admitted what we've all known for a long time now - the CEO & other such pompous Suits do backstroke every morning at work in the company's olympic-sized swimming pool filled with R200 notes.
Either that or there is 6 BILLION RANDS worth of funds lying around somewhere instead of being distributed to NGOs & charities!
That is an insane amount of money!
We could pretty much buy Zimbabwe with that money, or at least give it out to the charities & NGOs that it was originally intended for... Which, incidentally was part & parcel of why the lottery was set up in the first place.
So since staff at the company have conveniently failed to bring this discrepancy to light looooong ago, I wonder what else has slipped their minds?

So long Bob & thanks for all the rats!

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Dictators, Habit #3; Refuse All Assistance
In the past there have been numerous stories of conditions worsening in Zimbabwe and of people going to great lengths to keep feeding themselves.
This article in the Cape Argus is an indication of just how bad things have gotten in Zim; people are eating rats to keep surviving & following railway lines where grain is transported, hoping to pick up a few stray seeds.
Obviously Robert Mugabe's tactic of "Food crisis? What food crisis?" is still working.
Illegal immigrants are still flooding into South Africa on a daily basis, desperate to send home food to their families while Bob sits in his presidential palace cutting up a nice, juicy steak every night.
And while Bob chews through that medium/rare morsel, I have to wonder how many of those starving Zimbabweans know that 1) Robert Mugabe's diet hasn't suffered at all in the last ten years, 2) Mr . Mugabe has regularly refused food aid from the US - using various excuses & 3) the Zanu PF government has done almost nothing about the crisis, often denying that there is one...
Obviously Bob's dementia is now available in a handy tablet form, taken daily by every Zanu PF cabinet member - with water after a full gourmet meal!

Zimbabwe's vets up in arms! (Okay, so I couldn't resist the pun)

That's "vets" in the sense of war veterans and not those wealthy people who charge you more money to treat your dog's sniffles than you'd pay to eat at one of Johannesburg's finest restaurants...
So why are these war veterans up the miff tree? Because Morgan Tsvangirai is not attending the latest summit claiming to address the "Zimbabwe Crisis".
The leader of the Zimbabwe National Liberation War Veterans' Association (They have an association for this?!) has threatened to "take action" against Tsvangirai, who is not attending the talks in Swaziland due to troubles with travel documents.
Surprise, surprise! The Zimbabwean government refused to issue Tsvangirai with a new passport, providing him with emergency travel documents only...
Sounds very conducive to change and democracy in Zimbabwe, now doesn't it?
Oh yeah and it gets better; the leader of this association for war vets, Mr Jabulani Sibanda has accused Tsvangirai of causing Zimbabweans "to suffer" and that "If he behaves the way he is behaving, this nation will take action to defend itself from him. He is leaving the people of Zimbabwe with one option: to take action."
Oh boy, that's rich considering where it's coming from.
The talks have been postponed till Monday and will now be held in Harare, but Morgan Tsvangirai has stated that he will continue to boycott unless the government issues him a passport.
The government has countered this by stating that there is no paper to issue new passports with.
There's a paper crisis in Zim?!?! I guess it'll have to be filed under the Continuing Crises List, right under No Food, No Electricity, No Fuel, No Democracy & No Slush Fund for the War Vets, No Brill Cream for Bob's Hairdo, etc etc...

Sir Robert Mugabe?!?!

So apparently the Queen has finally stripped old Bob of his honorary knighthood as a "mark of revulsion" in response to the violence and outright violation of human rights in Zimbabwe.
Uh... it's taken her this long to revoke his knighthood??? Did she just forget about the fact that she'd knighted him some 14 years ago? I mean, during the last few elections, where international observers have reported violence and intimidation of non-ZanuPF supporters, did the Queen go: "Hmmm, nagging thought, nagging thought... did I knight him? I can't recall..."
Maybe someone was recently perusing the "Honorary Knight" tome from 14 years ago & suddenly went: "We knighted him?!" and ran off to remind the Queen of the rather embarrassing fact.
The following is an excerpt from the letter, informing Bob of his ex-knight status:

Mr Mugabe,
We regret to inform you that we have un-knighted you. You will no longer be referred to Sir Robert Mugabe, nor will you enjoy the privileges associated with the title.
Your membership to Arthur's Club House has been canceled, you will no longer be permitted to sit at the Round Table. Access to Merlin's Magical Bath House will no longer be free, Morgana's Massage Parlour will be off-limits and we will be sending someone over to collect your armour, sword, lance, horse, pageboy and squire.
While this incident gives us no pleasure, recent events have changed our disposition towards your knighthood status.
We are not trying to tell you how to run your country & we have even reserved judgement in the past, keeping quiet during previous times of violence, intimidation and election-rigging. In fact, we hardly even noticed that, we get so little coverage on the telly here.
But anyways, we have now decided to take a strong stance against your dicatorship by using intimidating words in the press and revoking your knighthood.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Regards,
The Queen
(Of England)

Hooray for Botswana!

Well, it seems Botswana's government has gone against the current trend of "What crisis in Zimbabwe?" by condemning the recent arrests and detentions of MDC officials.
Finally someone has bothered to openly criticise Mugabe's blatant disregard for the will of Zimabweans! Why on earth has it taken so long for someone to speak out & why was the smallest of Zimbabwe's neighbours the first to do so?
Thabo Mbeki is obviously still going: "Hi Bob, I'm so glad you're holding a second election. The results of the first one were totally inconclusive, there's no way the MDC won. Of course, they won't win in this next "election" now will they? They have no hope of winning when you're rigging the vote, giving out free food for Zanu-PF voters & threatening people to vote for you. Maybe I should use the same tactics. My terms is almost finished & I wouldn't mind extending it. Seems to have worked for you."
Of course, no one ever expected the election to be fair and we certainly don't expect these next ones to be either. Everyone knows that they're rigged.
The results will probably state a small percentage of votes to MDC, just so that it appears "legitimate" to observers. Here's a behind the scenes look at the political mechanics of it all:
Bob: "Do we have the results?"
Head Zanu-PF Cronie #1: "What results comrade? I thought we were making it all up..."
Head Election Rigger: "Well, what results did you have in mind Mr Mugabe? We obviously don't want to arouse any suspicion about the vote counting."
Bob: "I was thinking of 100% Zanu-PF, 0% MDC."
Head Zanu-PF Cronie #1: "Excellent comrade!"
Head Election Rigger: "You don't think that's a little too generous? It might cast some doubt on the election results."
Bob: "Hmm... perhaps... Okay! 99% Zanu-PF & 1% MDC. That's my final offer!"
Head Zanu-PF Cronie #1: "Excellent comrade! Very clever. No one will suspect a thing!"
Head Election Rigger: "Uh..."

Of Quiet Diplomacy & Other such nonsense :P

There are a number of mysteries in life. Like; why do the English have such bad teeth? Why is it that motorists with personalised number plates are such morons on the road? And what the hell is "Quiet Diplomacy" supposed to achieve???
It seems the crisis in Zimbabwe is going to be 'discussed' by regional African leaders in Zambia soon, and Thabo Mbeki is dashing of to Harare in his super hero suit, to speak to Robert Mugabe beforehand.
Bob is quite adept at the monologuing habit that villains are known for, so I can just imagine the conversation:
Bob: "Welcome Thabo, did you fly here on an evil colonial plane, or did you use one of your own?"
Thabo: "My own Bob, I-"
Bob: "Good. Did you know that I'm considering replacing my organs with synthetic organs, one by one?"
Thabo: "No, I-"
Bob: "It'll extend my life to beyond a hundred, so I can rule Zimbabwe for another 30 years or so."
Thabo: "Bob, maybe you should-"
Bob: "Colonial medicine has advanced quite a bit eh? Even though it's evil."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "So after I've replaced all my organs, I'll reign over all Zimbabwe for a long time. Then, I'll have myself cryogenically frozen, so that I can come back 100 years later & rule again! Great idea right?"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "Don't you love what I've done with the place?" -indicates to the scenery of Harare- "I'm going for that whole western look. Oh no, not Western, as in Evil White Supremacist Colonial look. I'm going for that Wild West look."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "You know, that whole dust, dirt & tumble weeds look. Where people have to eke out a living from nothing, run-down towns and crazy injuns."
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "So do you like it?"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "Me too. I don't think the people of Zimbabwe get it though. I've tried having a word with them about it, but none of them have seen any Westerns, so they don't quite get the idea. It's a pity really, because... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Thabo: -nods-
Bob: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"

At this point in time, I'd like to point out that SuperVillains are adept monologuers too. Only stupid people tell others their evil plans, before they've actually done them. And only villain wannabes monologue about worthless information.

Well done Bob

If Zimbabwe was a monarchy, the symbol of Robert Mugabe's power would not be the usual crown and scepter. Instead it would be his black-rimmed glasses, which could possibly be the very same ones he first donned about 30 years ago.
And if Bob was the monarch of Zimbabwe, his glasses would be handed to the individual next-in-line to the throne. But only after Bob had been dead for 200 years, and all manner of science and dark magic had been used in a vain attempt to revive him from his frozen, cryogenic slumber.
And if he did have a throne, he would glue himself to it, securing the deal with some rope and a staple gun.
And after realising that he would have to visit the loo at some point, he would slowly but surely have his organs replaced with mechanical ones, in his effort to rule Zimbabwe for all eternity.
And Robo-Bob would have many minions to maintain his artificial organs, upgrading each organ as soon as a new edition came out, funded by money bled from the few remaining citizens of the country.
And in 500 years time, when Zimbabwe will be nothing but plains of dust and tumbleweeds (except for the Presidential mansion), Bob will still be blaming the West for the demise of the country and claiming that it is all an evil conspiracy to derail his rule.