The Supervillain's Guide to Reality vs Fantasy

Here on the left we have proof that even celebrities have bad hair days. Either that, or Alexander Skarsgard had just kissed a taser for a dare & was now deeply concerned about the state of his underwear while the photo was being taken.
But as we all know, bad hair days don't kill your celebrity status or cause you to lose lucrative movie roles.
Skarsgard has been tipped as the favourite to star in Warner Brother's upcoming Tarzan movie, which will apparently start filming next year.
This is good news for Skarsgard fans & fans of The Lord of the Apes stories.
It isn't, however, good news for one DeWet du Toit - a self-styled Tarzan fanboy, whose story was featured on news sites across the world in January this year.

du Toit spends his time playing Tarzan in the jungle near George in the Western Cape - which is rather ironic considering that the George of the Jungle cartoon series was originally inspired by Tarzan. But coincidences aside, du Toit has been immersing himself in the character of Tarzan, living in the 'jungle' for 3 days a week, when he runs around barefoot in a loin cloth.
During the rest of the week, he seems to divide his time between his job as a personal trainer & convincing Hollywood bigwigs that he should be the next Tarzan. His efforts have included numerous hours of self-tan application, sunbed use, black hair dye applied to his locks & the filming of short Tarzan-like movies, where he runs around with shaved legs - who knew that Tarzan invented the lady-razor?
So here's the Supervillain SuperReality Check: in a fantastical world, an ex-security guard from Namibia who runs around in a loin cloth, would be plucked from obscurity to star in a huge blockbuster based on his idol, going on to star in 5 sequels & living in a giant & luxury tree house for the rest of his life.
In reality, big names mean big money & studios will always pick a star that will guarantee them a successful return on their monetary investment in the movie's production.
It's another reason why Robin Hood spoke with an American accent & the studio had no problem with it.
In the words of Abba: money money money, ain't it funny, in a rich man's world...

Life's SO hard when you're popular...

... so many people, such little time!
That's probably what the Father of Our Nation (aka Steve Hofmeyr) is thinking right now!
That's because Die Hoff is so unbelievably popular, that he barely has the time to manage the burdensome popularity that fame has brought.
This is, of course, thanks to the legions of fans worldwide, who snap up his award-winning music & make it impossible for him to live a normal life - like being able to pop down to the Sasol in his stokies, for a late night cigarette run.
But, as with all big celebrities, Steve Hofmeyr has an agent & a contingency of staff to deal with the stuff that he's too popular for. Anything from doing his laundry, organising his backstage 'poppies' for after the show, to managing his marketing & booking his spot on the next Treffers album.
But when it comes to his online presence, Die Hoff has a more hands-on approach it seems...
Hofmeyr's Wikipedia page was recently hacked by someone whose distaste for Die Hoff is well-matched by their sense of humour.
Yesterday the page featured some funny edits, including the line that Steve is "a prominent member of the Mormon Church split group, known as The Morons, who believe members should conceive as many children with as many women as possible".
Like any popular celebrity, Hofmeyr has taken it in his stride, turning to Twitter to state that this type of thing happens almost every week & that Team Die Hoff don't even bother with corrections.
Clearly Team DH isn't a bunch of proactive people. It might have something to do with the fact that his music is probably played in the staff toilets...
Another amazing thing is that Steve Hofmeyr is just so incredibly popular & well-known, that his Wikipedia page is targeted almost every week! That's just incredible, considering how many South Africans have editing rights on Wikipedia.
What's also incredible is that according to the page's Revision History, there are plenty of weeks where the page hasn't been touched, at all.
Yes, life's very hard when you're as popular as Steve Hofmeyr, because sometimes the overwhelming demands of being a celebrity cause you to forget the minor details of your fame...

How many SAA staff does it take to get me a drink?

164.8 apparently - that's the number of SAA employees per aircraft, which makes it one of the most inefficient airlines in the world.
So government has just spent R5 billion bailing out a badly-run airline, with taxpayer's money. Clearly this is a smart move - keeping a troubled airline afloat at the expense of the public, while the fat cats at the top of the giant pyramid that is SAA, continue to rake in huge salaries & bonuses.
SAA's 2011 staff expense totalled R4.417bncan & I'd love to see the breakdown of their remuneration structure. No doubt a large percentage of that goes straight to the small group of top earners in the company, while the rest gets distributed to commoners working underneath them.
Very much like feudalism, whereby the guy at the top had everything.

But SAA can at least celebrate the fact that they are not the most inefficient airline in the world. That honour goes to Air India who have 221 employees per aircraft. It's worth noting however, that Air India have also been bailed out with taxpayer's money, by their government...

The Supervillian's Guide to Art, Part 1: Kicking up a SuperFuss!

So Brett Murray's painting 'The Spear' has caused such a furore in the last few days that I can no longer remain silent on the issue - since no self-respecting supervillain is without an opinion on everything.

The painting (on display at the Goodman Gallery) initially caused a storm of media frenzy & debate within the country due to it's depiction of President Jacob Zuma in all his 'glory' -  not only does the painting portray Zuma in a fashion similar to an iconic poster of Lenin, but Jay-Z's ahem, 'manhood' is exposed for all to see.

So naturally loads of people kicked up a fuss about the painting, including the ANC & President Zuma himself - who claims that the painting depicts him as "a philanderer and a womaniser" & makes a mockery of his office.
At this point in time it is worth pointing out that Jay-Z has been married 6 times, currently has 4 wives & a fiancée, and also has had a couple of kids out of wedlock with a bunch of other women. Then there's also the issue of all the comments he made during his infamous rape trial...
So naturally, 'The Spear' is a rather appropriate title for the painting, which is part of Murray's 'Hail to the Thief II' exhibition at the gallery.
The ANC threatened to take legal action against the Goodman Gallery in the Johannesburg High Court, after their request to have the exhibition censored, was denied by the gallery.

Chicago is a looooooong way from here

WGN is Chicago's very own broadcasting station with its own news.
Clearly the journalists over there need some geography lessons, judging from the screen cap I was forwarded.
Of course, it's very easy to confuse South America with South Africa, what with both of them being south & all that stuff.
I suppose if you flip South America on its vertical axis, it'd look just like Africa - which means that maybe the person who is responsible for this gross geographical blunder, is dyslexic...
Unfortunately for the poor news anchor here, it looks like he's the dufus responsible for the mistake because his mug is right next to the offending picture.
Way to go WGN!

I'm sorry Your Honour, the dog ate my evidence

So Jackie Selebi was supposed to bring receipts to court today to justify how he & his wife had arrived at their expenses budget they had previously submitted to the court.
Unfortunately for Mr Selebi, his very silly wife had conveniently 'discarded the slips' the day before because she apparently found 'better evidence' to back up their budget.
Not only did she throw the slips away, she also had the foresight to tear them up into little pieces before she discarded them, just in case someone would use them for fraudulent purposes, or perhaps incriminating evidence in a trail that is now a joke.
Obviously Mr Selebi has the same opinion of prosecutor Gerrie Nel (& the residing judge), as many school children around the world have of their teachers: one that assumes the person in authority is devoid of any intelligence & stupid enough to believe the old 'the dog ate my homework' tale that's been spun a million times before.
Clearly Mr Selebi is confident that he will get off scot-free, otherwise he'd be spinning more convincing lies.

The Supervillain Guide to Super Spending: Get a job in government & then ask for ridiculous armounts of money

So according to Water Affairs Minister Buyelwa Sonjica, government need to spend R23 billion over the next 6 years to fix the country's 'network' of waste water treatment stations.
Apparently most of the plants need to be refurbished & the R23 billion is merely an estimate...
Frankly - while I don't deny that we are seriously lagging behind in terms of infrastructure in this country - I do wonder at the R23 billion figure.
Its a lot of money. A heck of a lot! Probably enough to buy out Zimbabwe & some other impoverished African country ruled by a corrupt dictator who flits over to Dubai regularly for shopping holidays.
Of course, I'm sure that the costs of redoing the country's waste recycling plants will be a huge expense, but I can't help think that there's a few fancy BMWs stashed into that budget on the contractor's side.

"Spend MORE money on my lavish lifestyle to ensure tourism please"

King Goodwill Zwelithini has officially requested that the government refurbish his palaces & display his portrait in public places (in KZN) during the Soccer World Cup. Apparently this will attract tourism to the province of KwaZulu Natal.
I highly doubt that seeing a poster that says 'This is the Zulu king' is going to make foreigners go: "I must return to this sacred place, because there is a king here. I will spend my hard-earned money to return here so that I may journey to the far reaches of this province, & pay homage to this great king of the Zulus."
More likely it is just another attempt to get millions from government to spend on his expensive lifestyle.

Malema-isms or Julius-isms? I think I'll go with JuMa-isms

If Julius Malema were the ANCYL's superhero mascot, his spandex outfit would be appalling.
On the right is the ANCYL's logo, which is fine, but we all know how well those colours look on outfits (think of those awful tracksuits our athletes have been forced to don through the years).
But as far as superheros go, Malema is doing a sterling job in the same way that George Bush did: outlandish claims and some serious misapplication of the English language.
Of course, his superhero name would be something deemed trendy by his PR team. Something like JuMa, & so, for the remainder of his political career, that is what I shall refer to him as. Some people refer to him as Juju, but this sounds far too much like a chewy sweet that a five-year-old would appreciate.

But now for the supervillain rant.

The latest fiasco regarding his lavish lifestyle certainly has him pissed, hence his attempts to distract our attention by shouting loudly about something or the other. Kind've like Jeremy Clarkson does when he's unimpressed with the handling of a sports car round the Top Gear race track.
Unfortunately Clarkson & JuMa will never learn that shouting at or about anything will not bring about some magical change.
Fortunately for Clarkson (and Top Gear fans), that is where the similarities end.
JuMa, however, continues down the "if I point fingers, maybe you'll forget about my dirty laundry" path.

And so, we now move on to the so-called "intelligence document" that "intelligence officers" apparently handed over to him recently.
(Please note that the word "intelligence" will always appear in inverted commas in this post, for rather obvious reasons...)
And according to JuMa, the police have also verified the validity of the "intelligence" document.
I can just imagine the verification process now:

*JuMa walks into his local police station with his entourage, usual pomp & ceremony and a piece of paper in his hand. Scanning the room to see if anyone is admiring his tailored suit, he prances up to the counter and grabs the attention of the nearest officer by slamming said piece of paper down on the counter*
JuMa: 'Officer! I want you to verify that document!'
*Officer blinks back at JuMa for a few seconds before examining the paper*
Officer: Well sir, I can verify that it is a piece of paper & that there is writing on it. It seems to be list of names.'
JuMa: 'Exactly! *gestures triumphantly to his entourage* It is a list of names!'
Officer: 'Yes sir, it is. Would you like me to officially verify & stamp it?'
JuMa: 'Yes!' *nods enthusiastically*
Officer: 'Ok'
*The officer hands back the paper when he is finished*
Officer: 'Now sir, if you can just sign here *points* & here *indicates again* & then we are good to go.'
*At the instruction, JuMa proudly signs in the alloted places*
JuMa: 'Right, now we have the evidence of a political plot!'
Officer: 'You know *examines signatures* that writing looks familiar...'

Frankly the claim smells fishy to me, along with the numerous other claims & accusations JuMa has made of late.
The SAPS has not confirmed that the document has been brought to their attention.
How convenient that this is brought to our attention by the man who is under a immense public scrutiny right now?
It also begs the question: if (& that's a really big 'if' there!) "intelligence" officers handed the document to him, what the hell are National Intelligence Agency operatives doing handing out "intelligence" reports to political parties?!?!
It makes me wonder what kind of reports the KISS Party & the Soccer Party are getting...

Further details of the claim can be found on IOL's site.

How to spy on your citizens legally & other amusing stories by the South African government

So apparently the Regulation of Interception of Communications and Provision of Communication-related Information Amendment Act has finally come into play, according to a report on IOL.com.
Of course, the Act should assist the local government in following in the footsteps of that great nation of the USA, who has proved time and time again that they truly are: "The land of the free and the home of the brave".
But getting back to local freedom issues...
From now one, anyone buying a prepaid SIM card will now have to provide proof of identity & residential address. Current prepaid SIM owners will now also have to provide details to their service provider, or their number will be terminated.
Lets consider a few things here:

• There are probably millions of South Africans who use prepaid SIM services, many of which live in rural areas. For those of you who live overseas, when I say "rural" I mean: living in a shack/hut/smartie-box-sized-house in an informal settlement where it's unlikely they'll be able to provide proof of residence.
• People in rural areas will probably be unable to get to the official place where they must now register, or re-register their details.
• There thousands of South Africans who do not have an ID document, due to their remote residential locations/hassles with the incompetent Home Affairs Department, etc etc etc

So now that you're forcing millions of people to provide documents they don't have, just so that they can have a form of communication (which is vital these days) - a lot of people are going to turn to fraud just to keep their number, or get a new one.
You will also anger those that feel that it is their right to have easy access to communication, without the hassle of making a special 100km trip just to keep their phone number.

Then of course you have the service providers.
Huge portions of their revenue is generated by prepaid services. They stand to lose millions (if not billions) of rands when numbers are cut & I don't think they're just going to lie down & take this.
Of course, they'll attempt to regain that money by charging exorbitant amounts of money to new customers & those that wish to "reconnect" their number - which makes for more angry people...
All-round, it's going to make a lot of angry, frustrated locals - providers and clients. And this, all in the name of "protection" & "security".
At this point, I'd like to bring to your attention that there is a lot less freedom and freedom of information in the USA than you think. Take some time to research their "Patriot Act" and the consequences thereof.
I'd also like to remind you that there are no more braves in the United States of America. They wiped them out, considering the act a patriotic one...

no freedom
no braves

Legal and legit yeah!

So I'm finally a legal biker again, after getting my learner's license yesterday morning at the most impressive testing centre in Johannesburg; Wetshoven in Aukland Park. Yeeha!
I don't have to get creative with my routes for the next 18 months, during which i intend to get my bike driver's license - never having to repeat the process of writing a learner's license again.
For those international readers, the process of obtaining a Learner's Permit is a painful and time-consuming task here in South Africa.
In the Gauteng province, you must phone a call centre first, to apply for a Learner's Permit. Thankfully the role of the call centre has changed and they merely give you a reference number now, as apposed to booking the test for you.
Previously the call centre would take your details and book the test date for you, with a waiting period of anywhere between 3-6 months before writing the test. You could not specify the testing centre's location, nor could you make a booking for more than one person.
The issue was that tons of people phoned the call centre, made a booking & never arrived at the venue to write. Of course, the call centre's system would show that the venue was full for that day & as a result, testing centres were often mostly empty despite the "fully booked" status on the system.
This resulted in people queuing from 6am in the morning at testing centres in a desperate hope to write the test for their Learner's Permit at some point during that day or any following day that the testing centre could manage.
WHAT A MESS!
There still seems to be a huge mess with regards to the procedure & such, with other testing centres having long waiting lists. Fortunately the testing centre I went to is far more organised than others, operates for a few hours on a Saturday morning and is not as crowded as others. Hoorah!
But now to the test:
Out of a class of 35-40 people, around half failed the test, which is a very easy test to do! I understand that there are many individuals who do not have the same reading, writing & comprehension skills as most, due to a disadvantage in education when they were growing up - those individuals are excempt from my comments that follow.
The test is available in four of the 11 official languages of the country & I'm certain those languages change in accordance to relevancy & location.
There are many individuals who fail the test numerous times, rewriting & rewriting until eventually (by a stroke of luck perhaps) they pass.
Do we want those individuals on the road?
Honestly, the test is not that difficult! How on earth are those individuals going to safely operate a vehicle if they cannot get even the basics right, before they've even gotten into the vehicle?!?!
If they do not know the rules of the road, do not know the meanings of road signs & are not sure of the controls of a vehicle (which are the 3 sections covered by the test) they are not going to be safe drivers on our roads!
Why are we allowing people to legally get behind the wheel with little (if any) theoretical competancy?
And for those who will answer with the typical reply: "we must not discriminate against those individuals who are perhaps less academically capable than others", I have this to say; it's not a matter of discrimination, it's a mater of public safety! A person who does not have a good grasp of the road rules, should not be on the road! They will be a danger to themselves, any passengers they may have, other drivers, pedestrians, etc etc!
There are so many atrocious drivers on our roads & we wonder why. Aside from the fact that many drivers obtain their license & permits via bribery of traffic officials, the traffic department is giving incompetant people permission to drive on our road.
It's down right crazy!

Hamba Kahle Mama Afrika!

Sadly, a great South African icon has passed away. Miriam Makeba died of a heart attack at the age of 76 in Italy in the early hours of this morning.
Though her wikipedia article is a bit sparse, there's a little information on her rather eventful life.
She spent many years outside of the country, escaping Apartheid and concentrating on an international career.
Thanks to Mama Afrika, people all over the world were introduced to the cultural sounds of South Africa, through her songs that will remain with us, now that she has passed on.