Supervillain Snippets

Where a criminal record is a prerequisite for staff.
Will have to look at recruiting minions from here...

The Supervillain's Guide to Super Fashion: Part 1

Gone are the days of where you were considered fashionable if you wore your underwear on the outside of your spandex tights. These days it's all about high tech fabrics that keep you clothed & looking good while executing your villanous plans & photobombing Captain Awesome's frequent self portraits.
But unfortunately we must still be bombarded with 'fashion' that looks like a bunch of designers took LSD & then attempted to copy a 5-year-old's drawing of a fruit salad. Somewhere in between the chunks of pineapple & papaya, is a section dedicated to the love of 80s fashioin - a trend that has been assaulting our senses for too long now.
Which brings me to one of Groupon's latest offerings: the Designer Mullet Skirt.

• Firstly, the words 'designer' & 'mullet' have no place being grouped together like that. Use separate sentences or go home.
• Secondly, who wants to walk around looking like Billy Ray Cyrus got all Achy Breaky with some fabric on your sorry arse!
• Thirdly, the description says: "elasticated waist to ensure easy movement when out and about". Read: cheap manufacturing to ensure that it fits all sizes.
• Fourthly, they've used a Frankenmannequin - the hands don't match the arms. So clearly times are tough.
• Fifthly, one of the options on offer is a "Screw Mullet Skirt".

Yes, avoid at all costs!

The Supervillain's Guide to Legacy

My favourite African dictator is at it again - providing us with a fantastic example of Supervillainy.
Surprise, surprise: Robert Mugabe has once again been 'chosen' as Zanu-PF's presidential candidate for next year's 'elections' in Zimbabwe. This was after super-gluing the presidential crown to his head, just before the announcement at a party conference.
After the announcement, Mugabe took to the stage to tell his supporters that their free T-shirts & food would be made available after the conference had ended, & that Zanu-PF would fight like a "wounded beast" to "win all our power back".
His show of determination is certainly inspiring, as is the story that his talented son is being discriminated against. Mugabe's wife Grace, took the opportunity to inform journalists at the conference that their eldest son Robert (19) has had to abandon his dreams of becoming a famous basketball star in the US, due to sanctions against him.

"We had to sit him down and explain that he cannot join a club playing in the US college league because of the sanctions. It hurt him because there was a lot of interest in him, but now he understands what it means to be the son of President Mugabe,"

Oddly enough the Telegraph reports that none of Mugabe's offspring are listed on any US or European sanction lists. It also reports that Mugabe's son failed his 'A' levels.
If his father has taught him one thing, it must be perseverance. Persevere & obtain your goal, and don't worry how you achieve it. And if you can't obtain your goal, just resort to violence & intimidation to get it.
Yes, now there's a legacy worth continuing...

Best video game ever invented

This is not the Android you're looking for

I just couldn't resist.
Again... ;)

The Supervillain Guide to Super Stupidity

There are stupid ideas & then there are ideas that make you wonder whether words such as 'human' & 'intelligence' should ever be applied to someone, in the same sentence.
Viewers of the recent Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York were treated to grand floats & displays, including some rather dodgy confetti - it seems that some of the confetti was made from shredded police documents, from the Nassau County Police Department's New York station.
Now if you're wondering whether someone pieced together wads of shredded paper, think again. Some bright spark (or sparks) decided to  make things super easy, by shredding the documents horizontally, instead of vertically.
Yes, that kind of special...
Unfortunately it seems that some of the documents contained banking details & social security numbers of police employees. Also found among the confetti were police reports, phone numbers, addresses & licence plate numbers.
Macy's has been very quick to point out that their confetti was made from die-cut paper & not paper shreds.
The Nassau County Police Department is "very concerned" about the incident & will be investigating it, as well as "reviewing [their] procedures for the disposing of sensitive documents".
Somewhere, someone is in a lot of hot water...

Twilight version 2.0

During my online browsing last night I came across the poster for a movie that piqued my interest, being a scifi fan.
The name sounded interesting, despite the lame poster, & so I clicked on the movie's page to read the synopsis summary -  which didn't sound too bad, until I got a good look at the poster & read the rather telling line of "From Stephanie Meyer the author of the Twilight Saga"...
While sharing the horrible news with a friend (also not a fan of badly-written books for teenage girls) I took a look at the Wikipedia page for Meyer's novel that the movie is based on.
What I read just reinforced my opinion of the fact that crap sells. In fact, unoriginal, formulaic nonsense sells best when thrown together with soppy emotional stuff & blended on 'high'.
Gone are the days of substance, creativity & originality. Clearly being smart isn't the way to go as an author these days. Neither is writing a sensible plot or creating interesting characters.
Read through the plot summary for Meyer's The Host & you'll tick many familiar points that are in the Twilight books:
Love triangle
'Humans' that aren't human
Aforementioned 'humans' being persecuted by real humans
'Humans' in hiding
'Humans' authority figure  persecuting real humans
More love triangle stuff
Female hero who tries to help 'humans'
Even more love triangle stuff
Love triangle stuff gets resolved & everyone lives happily ever after
Open door for multiple sequels

And there you have it; the Twilight stories basically, though with a few tweaks here & there, & a 'scifi' setting.
If you find it hard to believe, take a look for yourself...

The Host movie comes out  next year unfortunately, just in time for those Twilight fans who'll be bored of watching all 5 movies every Saturday.

Doctor Armstrong I presume?

Photo: Damian Dovarganes

If you're going to be a secret Supervillain, you can never get caught. Ever.
You lose friends, fans, sponsors & lawsuits, not to mention free entrances into swanky clubs & a place on the Queen's Christmas Card List.
You also lose honorary degrees, which are degrees you don't have to study for at all, bestowing you with the title of 'Doctor' - sans the ability to operate a stethoscope, of course.
An American university has  stripped Dr. Lance Armstrong of the honorary Doctor of Humane Letters they bestowed upon him in 2006, citing the fact that Armstrong's "actions as an athlete are inconsistent with the values of the university."
Since universities are synonymous with knowledge, learning & hard work, it's rather humorous to consider that Armstrong's acceptance speech in 2006, contained many inspiring gems that would've spurred the university's students to 'learn' from his outstanding 'values':

"For a guy who barely made it out of high school, I find it incredibly ironic that I am standing up here as a doctor," & "I would just ask that somebody send the photos to the principal at Plano East Senior High and let them know that I, in fact, graduated from Tufts and he has to call me Dr. Armstrong now."

No doubt Armstrong's former principal has been enjoying the long season of 'I told you so' recently. Unfortunately the legions of cancer survivors (both young & old) who saw Armstrong as a symbol of hope in their own battle, have not been enjoying the last few months so much.

There are con men, con artists & con-noisseurs - people who take deception to expert heights, leaving others in awe of their astounding capability to orchestrate the most elaborate & extensive webs of deception.
A few names come to mind - Charles Ponzi, Milli Vanilli, Frank Abagnale, L. Ron Hubbard & Richard Nixon.
But the 'cyclist' formally known as Doctor Lance Armstrong, looks set to go down in history as one of the greatest con men of modern times.
Personally, I'm waiting for the book & movie deals that Armstrong is probably negotiating at the moment. The proceeds should help pay back some of the millions he owes his former sponsors...

Star Wars state of mind

I just couldn't help myself...

Cookies from the Dark Side

The Supervillain's Guide to Reality vs Fantasy

Here on the left we have proof that even celebrities have bad hair days. Either that, or Alexander Skarsgard had just kissed a taser for a dare & was now deeply concerned about the state of his underwear while the photo was being taken.
But as we all know, bad hair days don't kill your celebrity status or cause you to lose lucrative movie roles.
Skarsgard has been tipped as the favourite to star in Warner Brother's upcoming Tarzan movie, which will apparently start filming next year.
This is good news for Skarsgard fans & fans of The Lord of the Apes stories.
It isn't, however, good news for one DeWet du Toit - a self-styled Tarzan fanboy, whose story was featured on news sites across the world in January this year.

du Toit spends his time playing Tarzan in the jungle near George in the Western Cape - which is rather ironic considering that the George of the Jungle cartoon series was originally inspired by Tarzan. But coincidences aside, du Toit has been immersing himself in the character of Tarzan, living in the 'jungle' for 3 days a week, when he runs around barefoot in a loin cloth.
During the rest of the week, he seems to divide his time between his job as a personal trainer & convincing Hollywood bigwigs that he should be the next Tarzan. His efforts have included numerous hours of self-tan application, sunbed use, black hair dye applied to his locks & the filming of short Tarzan-like movies, where he runs around with shaved legs - who knew that Tarzan invented the lady-razor?
So here's the Supervillain SuperReality Check: in a fantastical world, an ex-security guard from Namibia who runs around in a loin cloth, would be plucked from obscurity to star in a huge blockbuster based on his idol, going on to star in 5 sequels & living in a giant & luxury tree house for the rest of his life.
In reality, big names mean big money & studios will always pick a star that will guarantee them a successful return on their monetary investment in the movie's production.
It's another reason why Robin Hood spoke with an American accent & the studio had no problem with it.
In the words of Abba: money money money, ain't it funny, in a rich man's world...

Life's SO hard when you're popular...

... so many people, such little time!
That's probably what the Father of Our Nation (aka Steve Hofmeyr) is thinking right now!
That's because Die Hoff is so unbelievably popular, that he barely has the time to manage the burdensome popularity that fame has brought.
This is, of course, thanks to the legions of fans worldwide, who snap up his award-winning music & make it impossible for him to live a normal life - like being able to pop down to the Sasol in his stokies, for a late night cigarette run.
But, as with all big celebrities, Steve Hofmeyr has an agent & a contingency of staff to deal with the stuff that he's too popular for. Anything from doing his laundry, organising his backstage 'poppies' for after the show, to managing his marketing & booking his spot on the next Treffers album.
But when it comes to his online presence, Die Hoff has a more hands-on approach it seems...
Hofmeyr's Wikipedia page was recently hacked by someone whose distaste for Die Hoff is well-matched by their sense of humour.
Yesterday the page featured some funny edits, including the line that Steve is "a prominent member of the Mormon Church split group, known as The Morons, who believe members should conceive as many children with as many women as possible".
Like any popular celebrity, Hofmeyr has taken it in his stride, turning to Twitter to state that this type of thing happens almost every week & that Team Die Hoff don't even bother with corrections.
Clearly Team DH isn't a bunch of proactive people. It might have something to do with the fact that his music is probably played in the staff toilets...
Another amazing thing is that Steve Hofmeyr is just so incredibly popular & well-known, that his Wikipedia page is targeted almost every week! That's just incredible, considering how many South Africans have editing rights on Wikipedia.
What's also incredible is that according to the page's Revision History, there are plenty of weeks where the page hasn't been touched, at all.
Yes, life's very hard when you're as popular as Steve Hofmeyr, because sometimes the overwhelming demands of being a celebrity cause you to forget the minor details of your fame...

How many SAA staff does it take to get me a drink?

164.8 apparently - that's the number of SAA employees per aircraft, which makes it one of the most inefficient airlines in the world.
So government has just spent R5 billion bailing out a badly-run airline, with taxpayer's money. Clearly this is a smart move - keeping a troubled airline afloat at the expense of the public, while the fat cats at the top of the giant pyramid that is SAA, continue to rake in huge salaries & bonuses.
SAA's 2011 staff expense totalled R4.417bncan & I'd love to see the breakdown of their remuneration structure. No doubt a large percentage of that goes straight to the small group of top earners in the company, while the rest gets distributed to commoners working underneath them.
Very much like feudalism, whereby the guy at the top had everything.

But SAA can at least celebrate the fact that they are not the most inefficient airline in the world. That honour goes to Air India who have 221 employees per aircraft. It's worth noting however, that Air India have also been bailed out with taxpayer's money, by their government...

With big hair comes big generosity

The band with one of the biggest hairspray endorsements in the 80s, is coming to South Africa in May next year. Yehp, Bon Jovi are gracing us with their presence, though the luscious long locks, have long since gone ladies.
But while their hair has thinned out, their hearts have clearly grown bigger & the band has decided to help out fans by dramatically cutting ticket prices for their UK shows. This is apparently in response to the furor caused by the Rolling Stones, who are charging an exorbitant amount for their 50th anniversary shows in the UK. The Stones fans have paid between R1330 & R5250 per ticket - prices the band clearly dreamed up after getting high on a combination of their hemorrhoid cream & bladder incontinence pills.
UK Bon Jovi fans however, can relive all things 80s for just R175. That's pretty darn cheap actually!

Rob Hallett, Bon Jovi's UK tour promoter from AEG Live, said the band felt rock fans were being priced out of the market and were determined to act.

He said: "I was delighted when they came to me insisting on ticket prices for the Because We Can tour next year that enabled all to attend."

"If we are to survive as an industry we need to move away from the elitist image of high prices and even higher secondary prices [for tickets resold].

"After all, rock and roll always was and always should be the music of the people, and that means everyone."

A Bon Jovi source added to the Daily Mirror newspaper: "We are in the middle of a ­recession and that's why the band think £12.50 is perfect."
(Source: news24.com)

Now either the Bon Jovi guys are wonderful & generous, or they are smart businessmen who know that this plan is a safe bet that will allow them to support their ageing rock star lifestyles.

South African Bon Jovi fans are not so lucky however: tickets for the Johannesburg & Cape Town concerts range from R300 to R1000, which is pretty steep for local pockets that have also been affected by the recession.

Clearly Big Concerts , big hair & big generosity don't go together too well...

Never gonna give up on the 80s

I have no idea how I missed this one, but it seems that there are enough people in South Africa to allow long-forgotten 80s artists the ability to stay abreast of plastic surgery trends & keep their Blue Steel pouts going strong.
It is worth noting, of course, that the venue for this 80s revival is in fact Mullet City, aka Centurion - where the Classic Mullet (the original that has been lovingly maintained over the past few decades) is joined by the Neo Mullet (the new & 'improved' version of the Classic) & the Telkom Mullet (a contractual obligation for Telkom employees of a certain age & language group).
No doubt Jacaranda (who else would organise something like this) is currently throwing free tickets at their listeners & probably organising local opening acts such as Steve Hoffmeyer & Patricia Lewis - who have unfortunately been around as long as the aforementioned hairstyle.
The ticket site's sales plug for the event is quite hilarious:
"Having this amount of International artists LIVE in one show makes this show the best value event of the year"
Of course at R700 a pop for Golden Circle tickets, one would expect to see current international artists at that "best value" price, but clearly plastic pout maintenance doesn't come cheap!
Also of note is the fact that the title should read "6 and a half International Acts" since Tony Hadley will be performing sans the remaining members of Spandau Ballet.
Fortunately for concert-goers, there's enough bad 80s fashion in stores for them to relive their golden days, although the neon tights might not fit so well anymore.

The Supervillain Guide to Torture

Being a Supervillain is tough - especially if you're doing it part time while you work to support your alter-ego lifestyle. Sometimes you have to rely on ready-made solutions, which is why I'm so excited about the launch of DSTv's new Afrikaans music channel kykNET Musiek.
Here's a simple solution for Supervillains looking for a quick-fix torture method. Now you can force victims of your superevil, supervillainy, to watch Steve Hoffmeyer assault Neil Diamond songs, all day long! Then there's other such local lyrical masters as Kurt Darren, Patricia Lewis & the revered Bles Bridges.
All you need is DSTv, a chair & a bit of rope - it really doesn't get much easier than this my fellow Supervillains!
This fantastic method is sure to leave deep scars in the depths of a victim's psyche, thanks to the 'polished' production used in many local music videos, the repetitive rhythms of Boere Orkes music & the bountiful archive of popular 'treffers' music that'll be on constant replay on the channel.
Never, ever look a cheap gift horse in the mouth!

The Supervillain Guide to Growing Old UnGracefully

There's nothing quite like an watching an aging popstar clutch desperately at the frayed edges of their youth, relaunching themselves every 3 years in new & flimsy genres that see them wearing ever more revealing clothing, collaborating with so-called current 'artists' while using ever increasing shock tactics & extreme Photoshop adjustments on their album covers.
It is quite ridiculous & Ms 'I Will Not Age Quietly' Madonna is certainly leading the race in persisting past your expiry date.

Adding to the controversy plaguing her MDNA tour is the singer's 'any attention is good attention' stunt. Madonna showed her support for a Pakistani child activist who is in a critical condition after an assassination attempt by the Taliban, by performing a striptease during a recent performance in Los Angeles.
Well done Madonna, clearly dementia is setting in after all those years of being exposed to Extreme Hold Hairspray!
Here's a girl lobbying for women's education in a Muslim country & you think it's a good idea to get your kit off in her name.
Yeah, Intentions: 10/10, Execution: 0/10
So an overall A+ for stupidity...

People in glass houses, shouldn't go topless

Everyone's kicking up such a fuss about Mrs "I'll Probably Be Queen Someday Soon"'s topless photos.
And the Royal camp is not only aghast with horror, but surprised by this turn of events?
Really?
Let's think about this for a second shall we?
The Duchess of Cambridge has been in the public eye for a number of years now - she knows that she is regularly followed. And in today's modern world of instant communication, everyone knows where you are all of the time.
She has sunbathed topless in the past - she's just never been caught on camera doing it before. In fact, her sister has been photographed topless on vacation, in the presence of her husband Prince William. So clearly topless sun bathing isn't much of an issue for both families.
Now if you are a member of the British Royal Family & you're looking to tan your nipples, then surely you'd want to ensure that you had the utmost privacy while doing so? Like, perhaps, sunbathing at an enclosed pool where you the only way to spy on you would be with a helicopter?
While I understand that everyone has a right to privacy, Mrs "I'm a princess bitches!" has unfortunately traded a large percentage of her's for being part of Prince William's life. So you have to be extra careful.
So careful, in fact, that you avoid hanging out topless on a balcony that overlooks a huge area of open land & a public road...

The Supervillain Guide to Modern Day Dictatorship

If you're going to make it as a dictator these days, you have to be smart. Really smart.
Unfortunately modern technology has given the average person a lot more power in terms of communication. So gone are the days where you could eradicate a few troublesome peasants & bury their bodies in their backyard frozen wasteland, without too much fuss. No one would've missed them in the past - their relatives would've thought that the telephone lines were down again because of heavy snowfall in their remote location.
But, alas, modern technology has changed all that & The Masses really are masses! These days if you piss off a bunch of people, you piss off their friends, relatives, Facebook friends, blog followers, twitter followers & basically anyone who reads their online complaints (or hears about their struggles) & agrees with them.
This makes it really difficult to operate as normal if you're a dictator.
Take everyone's favourite former KGB agent: Vladimir Putin - the former General Secretary of the United Russia, former Prime Minister of Russia, former Chairman of United Russia, former Chairman of the Council of Ministers of the Union of Russia and Belarus and of course, the current & long-serving President of Russia.
Busy man.
Since his 'election' this year, which has been dogged by controversy, many Russians in Moscow have publicly opposed his re-election, by holding protests. Putin has reacted to these with either a tough show of force, law changes, pretending nothing has happened or blaming it all on American politicians.
It seems like he hasn't been able to make up his mind on how to deal with this in a modern world. With his Tough Guy image & KGB history, he probably longs for the glory days where he could just kill everyone who opposed him & keep their friends and relatives quiet with threats.
Now he has to deal with growing support for the opposition & worldwide interest. And unfortunately for Putin, the opposition is gathering momentum as more & more people join the protests in Moscow. His camp conveniently keep on underestimating the numbers, downplaying the momentum that is gathering against him. But the whole Pussy Riot incident has just brought more attention to the opposition & more support.
So how should a modern day dictator react? Like other modern day dictators have - by cutting off internet & mobile services to the public. As opposition against Putin increases, I expect to see the Russian government clamping down on ISPs & mobile service companies.
But of course, that'll only serve to aggravate things further...

Dear Hollywood, please make it stop!

Before Blue Steel there was Blue Bay!

Rumours of a Baywatch movie have been circulating ever since The Hoff figured out that he could ride the meme wave with the same combination of a bad wardrobe & a cheesy grin that propelled him from Nightrider to international boob & bay-watcher, all those years ago.
This was, of course, before he decided to conquer all of Germany with his vocal chords, chest hair & a pair of specially-tailored lederhosen...

Models have superpowers too, just don't hold your breath about what those powers are!

There are people in this world that have been bestowed with a great 'gift', a special power that differentiates them from the rest of humanity. Their use of this power either elevates them to the status of Superhero or Supervillain, depending on the choices they make at key moments of their lives: rob a bank, save a cat from a tree, raid the Lindt factory, help a little old lady with her grocery bags, steal Donald Trump's entire toupee collection...

Then there are those who choose not to use their powers for good or evil, those that are afraid of what lies beneath their own potential & the choices they may have to make. They're commonly known as 'wussies' & are generally the scorn of both Supervillains and Superheroes alike - one of the few things both parties actually share.

Further still are those who possess powers that are of a very 'special' set. A set of powers so amazingly special, not because they are unique & extremely rare, but because of the potency of their 'power' & the level to which they have grown in their power.

The Supervillian's Guide to Art, Part 1: Kicking up a SuperFuss!

So Brett Murray's painting 'The Spear' has caused such a furore in the last few days that I can no longer remain silent on the issue - since no self-respecting supervillain is without an opinion on everything.

The painting (on display at the Goodman Gallery) initially caused a storm of media frenzy & debate within the country due to it's depiction of President Jacob Zuma in all his 'glory' -  not only does the painting portray Zuma in a fashion similar to an iconic poster of Lenin, but Jay-Z's ahem, 'manhood' is exposed for all to see.

So naturally loads of people kicked up a fuss about the painting, including the ANC & President Zuma himself - who claims that the painting depicts him as "a philanderer and a womaniser" & makes a mockery of his office.
At this point in time it is worth pointing out that Jay-Z has been married 6 times, currently has 4 wives & a fiancée, and also has had a couple of kids out of wedlock with a bunch of other women. Then there's also the issue of all the comments he made during his infamous rape trial...
So naturally, 'The Spear' is a rather appropriate title for the painting, which is part of Murray's 'Hail to the Thief II' exhibition at the gallery.
The ANC threatened to take legal action against the Goodman Gallery in the Johannesburg High Court, after their request to have the exhibition censored, was denied by the gallery.

Supervillain Basics: Track Records

There are a few things you just can't be a successful supervillain without; supervillainous powers, evil plans, timeousness, reliability & a trusty utility belt.
Success does not come from arriving late to take over the world or destroy your nemesis' entire collection of neon spandex jumpsuits. No Siree!
No one likes an unreliable supervillain (or superhero for that matter), because you just end up looking like an idiot & pissing people off.

So if you say: "Meet me at 8pm on the top of Trump Tower so that I can kick your toupee'd arse & wipe that cocky smile off your botoxed face", you better be there to deliver kid. Or you'll just go down in history as the no-show douchebag with the big mouth & short supervillain resume...

Of Kryptonite & Supervillain Weaknesses

Every supervillain & superhero has a weakness. An Achilles heel that they must yield to in order to balance out their amazing superpowers.
For some it is a strange & alien substance that renders them powerless in its presence - like chocolate, cheese, coffee, Kryptonite, little French pastries with the icing dusted on the top...
For others, it is as simple as a sale at Nine West, a pair of Diesel jeans, the latest Apple offering, the sleek lines of a new BMW, a house in a prestigious neighbourhood or the intense need to possess a trophy wife & show her off to those high school bullies.
And still for others it's the mere thrill of the SuperSecret. The alter ego & the kick they get out of hiding that other self from those around them, while relishing all the attention their SuperEgo gets.
I, on the other hand, possess numerous weaknesses, which is clearly due to the fact that I am gifted with an impressive array of villainous superpowers.
And while I could wax lyrical about said superpowers, I prefer to leave them shrouded in mystery, since the element of surprise is a key weapon in the supervillain's arsenal & quite useful in certain situations - like a skillful card swap at the Bingo hall...
I will, however, mention that I am utterly powerless in the presence of Star Wars Lego, Belgian chocolate, a good gadget shop, a pair of hot stiletto boots at a good price, a sleek motorbike, a poetic soul, & mesmerising eyes - to name a few & in no particular order...

Even Supervillains get allergies too

It's no easy task being a Supervillain, because very little about it is conventional & calm. In fact, most of the time it's rather unconventional because being a Supervillain means that 'Super' is pretty much attached to everything.
That means getting the SuperFlu, being SuperSmart, having SuperPlans, losing SuperSocks in the SuperLaundry, shopping for SuperClothes at a SuperStore & of course, getting SuperAllergies.

Over the course of my SuperLife, I have developed some seriously super allergies. Mostly towards various foods & additives, but also to some other things.
Like teenagers - I'm highly allergic to those. They induce my up-chuck reflex in a way that can only be described as 'super'.
They're an evil scourge that I plan to rid the planet of as soon as I've taken over it. I have great plans for them - SuperPlans to be exact, & they involve 'green' energy, cycling machines & deep cycle batteries...

Another thing I am super allergic to is bullshit. I can only handle so much of it before I reach my SuperTolerance level & call someone's bluff in a way that I like to describe as 'brutal honesty'.
You're either up-front & honest about things with people, or you're bullshitting them - & no one likes to be played for a fool. Specially not a Supervillain; we're all about evil plots & secret plans, so we have a nose for spotting falsity & it's not a good idea to try & pull one over on us.
We don't take kindly to it & you'll probably find yourself out in the cold - in Antarctica, stranded & cuddling up to a bunch of male Emperor Penguins for warmth while you wonder when the Catch of the Day will be regurgitated up on the ice by your new girlfriend...

Surviving Bangkok, one app at a time

So I've always been an Android fan & I have to say that without it, I wouldn't have survived this long in Bangkok. In fact, I probably would've stumbled into a scenario straight out of The Hangover 2...
Google Maps has been invaluable in getting around & figuring out which buses & trains to catch.
Then there's the Learn Thai application that I use a lot because, not only does it have lots of useful phrases & translations, but it can literally speak for you - at the touch of a button a male or female voice will say the appropriate phrase for you! It's really great for giving directions to taxi drivers & telling them to switch the meter on so that they don't rip you off. :-P
Then there's Foursquare, which has helped me discover a couple of new places, Google Translate - which has been useful AND amusing (1 word in Thai can have 3 different pronunciations & meanings), & then there's the barrage of free applications that will guide you around the city & translate words for you.
Basically I wouldn't adventure outside the hotel without these apps, because I abhor looking like a stupid tourist with a giant well-crumpled map that is often upside-down...

Thailand, the deodorant

I have the perfect idea for promoting Thailand successfully, in a way that is honest & will truly attract tourists - well at least male tourists anyways. It capitalises on the rather famous sex industry here & everyone knows that sex sells...
Imagine a deodorant advert, like the rather famous Old Spice "the man your man could smell like" advert. Except this time there won't be a beefy guy at all.
In his place will be an overweight & sunburnt European guy, whose hair seems to have abandoned the top of his head & migrated instead to his chest & back. Said European guy will be dressed in shorts, velcro sandals & a golf shirt with the aforementioned hair spurting out over the collar.
Bob (because all good nameless idiots are labelled 'Bob') will be standing alone & dejected with his elasticated waistband & dull personality.
But things are about to change for Bob because Bob is suddenly handed a deodorant spray with the word "Thailand" emblazoned on the side in bold typeface. Bob then sprays Thailand onto himself & is immediately transformed before our eyes; attractive Thai women (& men, if Bob so desires) suddenly appear from nowhere, to lead Bob to a trendy bar & nightclub, where Bob is swooned & fawned over by the local 'flavours'.
The catch-phrase will be: "Thailand, where guys who can't get any back home, can get plenty for cheap cheap".
The parting screen will display the words "Thailand. Get some." before fading out to reveal a happy & 'satisfied' Bob, with a smile as wide open as his wallet.

Bangkok is great actually, but most of the foreigners here are male & clearly for obvious reasons - there are tons of attractive Thai women (& he-she's) who are desperate to elevate themselves out of poverty & latch onto a wealthy foreigner. And who can blame them? The life here for the average Thai is hard, with little luxury. Who wouldn't want the opportunity to serve the every need of a hairy foreigner if you get to live in a nicer neighbourhood, buy nice clothes & pamper yourself on a regular basis.
And of course there are loads of guys who have 'fallen in love' with a local Thai woman. Naturally they're easy to love because they're so eager to please.
So I suppose that even though it's a bunch of bull$h1t, it's a win-win situation for everyone involved.

The science of common sense

No self-respecting supervillain would ever shun science; it has aided many a supervillain in kicking some superhero butt & unleashing supervillainous plans on unsuspecting mortals & mere minions.
In short, science is a key implement in a supervillain's tool shed. It can make or break a nefarious plan & mean the difference between infamy, a supercool supervillain hideout, a resourceful utility belt, & a bad desk job where you pass the time with Solitaire all day long & stare at your cubicle partner's overly-large mole.
So in general I have a lot of respect for science & scientists. I think that science is exciting & inspiring; it's always pushing the boundaries of discovery & renewing itself.
Pushing the boundaries, however, does not involve telling people something they already know - specially not when it you are presented with a conclusion that is damn obvious & could be deduced through good ol' common sense.
Case in point would be the researchers at the University of California, who concluded (after spending good money on this) that people appear bigger & stronger when they're holding a gun.
No kidding guys! Give a guy a gun & I'll definitely consider him to be more friendly-looking without it. In fact, you don't need to be a scientist or a supervillain genius to figure that one out.
While money, time & effort could be spent on finding a cure for cancer, stem cell research or malaria, these guys are focusing their efforts on the painfully obvious...
Call me crazy, but I think this is one for the Ig Nobel prizes.

Telepathic Take Aways

There are some articles circulating about a Pentagon project that involves tons of money, some inventive scientists & so-called 'telepathic helmets'.
The Pentagon has apparently handed over a wad of cash to some neuroscientists at the University of California, to develop a special helmet that can 'read' signals from the brain & then transmit those signals to other nearby helmets. The aim of the project is for soldiers to be able to communicate silently in the midst of the chaos of battle.
At the moment, volunteers are given symbols to memorise. These symbols represent military commands & the volunteers are then asked to think of them while the electrode-fitted cap on their head is hooked up to a computer. The computer then monitors the chemical 'flares' in their brains when they think of the various symbols.
So far the accuracy rate is 45% & is expected to improve. So basically, 45% of the time the guys are thinking "shoot to kill, shoot to kill" & 55% of the time they're thinking "mmmmm pie".
Not bad considering that proliferation of videos on Youtube like this one.

But what a great idea! In fact, I can think of so many practical applications for this technology:
Who needs drive-through when you can just project your order & location to someone at Nandos & have them deliver?
Training your minions with subliminal stimuli will be so much easier & they'll be easier to control in the field.
Inter-species communication could become a reality, meaning that you may just be able to get your dog to retrieve your newspaper without shredding it...

Unfortunately I can also see some serious risks, like how vulnerable a network of soldiers with electrode helmets could be; rolling viruses, electronic surges, disturbing projections that paralyse the 'viewer'.

No doubt, at this point you're reminded of the movie Men Who Star At Goats, staring George Clooney & Ewan McGregor. Me too, since it's a great movie that makes you laugh & leaves you wondering just a little bit...
Which is why the claim that the US military will have telepathic helmets by 2017, is a little far-fetched to me.
I think by then, guys will still be getting confused between the symbol for "drop the bomb & nuke these buggers" & "I need the toilet, where's the bog roll?"
Call me a skeptic, but I don't think that having different guys trying to project the same symbol & using it in combat manoeuvres where heavy weapons, explosives & air strikes are involved, is such a good idea...

Even supervillains need inspiration sometimes

Being a supervillain can be hard & downright disheartening at times - your evil plans amount to naught, thanks to some over-zealous spandex guy with a butt chin dimple & a plastic smile. Your minions mess up, often. Your nemesis triumphs, a lot. Your laundromat shrinks your supervillain suit. Your family don't take your world domination plans seriously, neither does your bank...
Basically, you need a pick-me-up every now & then.
This Holstee Manifesto should help you bring some things into focus & remind you of what is important in life & what's not.

Madonna's Magical Mirror

So dear ol' Madonna keeps 'reinventing' herself in an attempt to maintain a presence in popular music & to keep the ca$h inflow going.
Of course, much of this reinvention relies on the digital wonders of Photoshop & its ability to airbrush away the effects of gravity & old age on your face.
So once again Madonna looks amazingly young in the promo material for her new album MDNA & in the music vids.
I'd love to know just how many hours the digital retouch artists spent to make her look that young again...
Frankly, I think that she's secretly been funding the development of certain Photoshop tools, cos she has a vested interest in their magic affects. I'm sure that she also has a team of digital retouch artists that have been trained in her super secret special facility somewhere in Mongolia, where potential prodigies are trained from a young age to make her look good & digitally turn back the hands of time.
The digital retouching on her photos is starting to become extreme & I'm sure there's going to come a day where she will simply not be able to go out in public - because the digital & real versions will be so disparate that her physical appearance will become harmful to her brand.
She might even have to resort to becoming all 'mysterious' & wearing a cowl, like Emperor Palpatine. In fact, she might just be Emperor Palpatine... Which means that soon she will need an apprentice with a uniform that has a large cellphone attached to the front, with the Emergency Pizza Dial Button.

Lessons from Kuwait on how to offend people

Everyone makes mistakes. Even supervillains make mistakes.
There are also times when you should just pretend that your mistake was deliberate & all part of your supervillainous plan to take over the world!
Case in point: a recent medal ceremony at a shooting event in Kuwait (10th Arab Shooting Championship), saw organisers playing the incorrect anthems for Kazakhstan & Serbia. Unfortunately the anthem they did play for the Kazakhstan champ was the fake national anthem from the film Borat,
The film caused such an offence in Kazakhstan that it was eventually banned from the country & the government apparently threatened Sasha Baron Cohen with legal action....
Nice one guys!
Of course, they say it was downloaded by accident - so either they have just learned the hard way that one should seriously review the torrents you search for & download, or someone pulled off a brilliant but premature April Fool's.


My guess is that somewhere, someone is having the last laugh & it's a side-splitting one!

Reality TV meets the Boerewors Curtain

Constipation is a serious matter!

According to News24, that Souff Efrikan stalwart Huisgenoot, is launching a reality TV series in which people will compete to win a job with the magazine for a year.

Huisegenoot are apparently looking for someone "who will be able to get involved with all aspects of the magazine". Read: we're looking for a lackey to work their arse off for us & do all the crappy jobs that no one else feels like doing.

Ask anyone who's worked at a magazine publisher before & they'll tell you that it's not all roses. In fact, it's more like dead, shredded roses with giant thorns that you're constantly pricking yourself on.

No doubt the series will be hugely popular with people across the country who live in the middle of nowhere (read: dorpies) & are stuck with DSTV as their only source of entertainment. These are the same people whose idea of literature is reading the 'romance' short stories in Huisegenoot, or the DSTV schedule guide.

In other words; I doubt there'll be many English viewers...

There will, however, be plenty of doe-eyed young dorpie girls entering, because it's been their life-long dream to be on TV & work at a fashion magazine. And they'll classify Huisgenoot as a fashion mag because they've seen some Mr Price items they've bought, featured in the mag. They'll also be the ones who get all their friends to 'like' their Facebook 'modelling' photos, in the hope that a renowned modelling agency or photographer will notice them & fly them over to Paris.

Now if I was a doe-eyed dorpie girl, I'd be very afraid of the judges. In fact, every potential competitor should be afraid; only 1 of them is smiling & looks friendly. The other two look constipated & disinterested. 

No good can come of this!

Where's the line on personal information?

I recently read an article on News24 about an American who'd been asked for his Facebook profile login & password during an interview.
Now, employees have been snooping around & checking out the social profiles of their employees (both current & potential) for a while now. Background checks are also common, but the question is; where is the line that marks "invasion of privacy"?
Anyone who accesses Facebook's site is subject to their Terms of use, wherein it states that: "You will not solicit login information or access an account belonging to someone else." 
While this is a great principle, someone who is desperate for employment is probably not going to refuse to hand over login details to someone he/she hopes is about to give them a job.
There's also the question of whether companies will start paying Facebook to access information on potential employees. Which isn't much different from the idea of 'strategic partners' who already have access to your information & make suggestions like what other music artists you might like, or places you might want to shop at.

Of course, reverse the situation & things get rather one-sided.

How does an individual do a background check on a company? Specially when people are being asked to sign agreements that restrict them from making any public comments about the organisation, specifically when it comes to publishing those comments on social media sites.

While companies may have the money to hire someone to investigate individuals, it's highly unlikely that the average person has the money to hire someone to investigate the company in return & question the happiness of its current employees.

In other words, individuals don't have much hope against the big guys & what they dictate. Unless loads of individuals band together, act as a unit & revolt against the 'authorities'. 

It can happen & when it does, the dictators don't stand a chance.

The other side of the coin is questioning just how much information employers have a right to know before they hire you. What if the potential employee is a peodophile? What if they have engaged in illegal activities such as drug abuse or theft of a previous employer's property?

When is it okay to snoop & how much information should they snoop on?

It's highly debatable. 

While people's private activities are their own business, after-hour activities can have a direct or indirect affect on your work. If you're arrested, or you land up in hospital, the business is affected. And that's essentially the risk that organisations are trying to avoid.

However, the methods of risk management that some companies are using, are not the best.

So what is the best approach?

It's a hard question to answer & something that organisations should seriously be considering in the age of social media. In fact, organisations should probably consider things like social media & potential employees in their overall Risk Management Strategy.

Certainly the best approach is not to ask someone for their username & password during an interview!

Sense, sensibility & popular mu$ic

The evolution of popular music is quite a fascinating topic. It's progress has been spurred on by technological developments like the widespread publishing of sheet music, radio broadcasting, music videos, youtube, digital media, etcetera, etcetera.
Of course, mainstream music is fueled by masses of fans, who buy into the marketing & media hype that is now the mu$ic machine, made popular because essentially; people like being dictated to.
Being dictated to means that you don't have to think much about what clothes you wear, how your hair looks, what car you drive, the places you eat at & what music you listen to. You spend most of your time finding out what people around you are into, & copying them...
Now, before you start throwing abuse my way, try to remember that I am talking about pop music in general. While there are some exceptions, the pop music scene is generally filled with carefully constructed products (in human form) that are designed to generate large amounts of income for record companies. The 'music' & 'lyrics' (& I use those in the loosest sense of the words) are meant to be catchy & easy to listen to. Constant repetition on radio stations means that while you may not like it initially, eventually it'll grow on you & then you'll find yourself singing it in the shower or the car on the way to work.
In essence, popular music is much like fashion: a minority group of 'experts' dictate to the masses, telling them what is 'good'. The masses eagerly lap it up & overnight make it look like it was their idea in the first place.
In the words of Madonna: mu$ic makes the people come together...

At this point I'd like to remind you of what else the 'experts' & the masses have considered a good idea in the past: Hitler, George W. Bush, Justin Bieber, Milli Vanilli, mullets, plastic shoes, blood-letting, the Crusades, hydrogen-filled airships, etcetera, etcetera.
Just because it's popular, doesn't mean that it's 'good' by default. Take a sober look at today's so-called "chart-toppers" & you'll see what I mean.

The rules of a breakup

source: www.good.is

I came across this little cartoon/illustration earlier today & it made me smile.
I can totally relate, as of 4 weeks ago when (after almost a year) I experienced one of the most ridiculous breakups in the book - in fact, it's so unbelievably stupid that it really does belong in a book. Or on a brick, thrown through a certain idiot's window.
But alas, I have managed to restrain myself & find rather creative ways to vent my frustration on the matter. Details & pics of these will probably eventually find their way onto here ;-)
It has, however, reminded me of how vital it is to retain your sense of humour, even through the bad times. It's also important to find someone who truly appreciates your sense of humour, can laugh at themselves & doesn't take life too seriously.
So enjoy the illustration, I know we've all been there :-)

The 3 "P"s: People, Passwords & Protection

A colleague of mine is pretty old-school. She's not as bad as her technophobe husband, but still; she writes down everything the IT support guys tell her. And I mean everything...
She once gave me the alarm code & then asked if I needed to write it down. Of course, I have 2 issues with that kind of thing; 1) unless you have the memory capacity of a tadpole, remembering 4 digits for roughly 30 minutes isn't hard & 2) writing a pass code down on a piece of paper is not secure!
This brings me to her recent revelation about passwords to a new member of staff. Apparently the "greatest risk" to companies "right now" is the hacking of their intellectual property.
While I agree that the security of IP is a risk that organisations & individuals should be concerned about, I think it is one of a few major risks, but not the biggest risk out there. Events in recent years have shown that things like floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, economic crises & planes flying into buildings, can have equally devastating effects on organisations - even countries!
But, moving along to the most shocking part of the revelation: Mrs Meticulous (as henceforth she shall be known) keeps a file on her laptop with her login passwords to sites she uses. Said file is in .doc format & for extra added security, the name is purposefully unrelated to the word "password" or any of its associations.
So instead of typing in her password every time, she copies & pastes her username and password into the login fields.
Her reasoning for this is that "people can hack or monitor while you type, but they can't hack your copy & paste".
Riiiiight!
The Windows clipboard can be 'hacked', specially if you're using Internet Explorer - made even more easily accessible by the fact that she is running a much older version of Windows too!
Not only that - but Mrs Meticulous has a file with login details stored on the laptop! She also has written notes kept in a little plastic A4 folder on her desk. The notes contain ALL her passwords, access details to all the laptops, the company server & the router...
It's like going away on holiday & leaving your house keys outside, next to a sign that says: "Free entry. All welcome".
The lack of common sense here astounds me!
Unfortunately Ms Meticulous is not alone in this. There are numerous people who throw caution to the wind when it comes to IT-related matters & don't apply simple logic to situations.
Yes, computers, gadgets & the internet may at times be complex, but simple common sense can go a long way!
So get some & apply it!

PS: Ms Meticulous also keeps a file on her laptop with all her family & company credit card details...!

Grin & Bear Grylls it

So everyone's favourite Macguyver guy Bear Grylls has apparently been fired by the Discovery Channel over "contract disputes"
Oddly enough, I saw an unrelated article on him earlier today & was reminded of how much he freaks me out.
I have no idea how his wife copes - he exposes his body & his mouth to all manner of gross things & frankly I wouldn't touch him with a 30ft pole, for fear that his frog or zebra breath would overpower me at that distance.
I can't imagine what happens when he gets home after one of his trips, but if it was me, I'd confine him to a decontamination chamber for a good few days first, insist that he scrubs his mouth out with bicarb, bleach & dettol repeatedly, and ensure that his entire body is scrubbed raw with all manner of cleaning chemicals over & over.
While you can find plenty of information on Bear Grylls' accomplishments & expeditions, I'd love to see a list of all the diseases & illnesses he's managed to pick up during his illustrious career as the Man Who Will Eat Anything.
But while I'm not much of a fan, I'm sure Grylls will have tons of offers from other broadcasting channels who are keen to cash in on his willingness to go naked in inhospitable environments.
Until then, people will just have to settle for reruns. :-)

Well I would've succeeded, if it wasn't for those pesky Ozzy spies!

So it was revealed today that a squadron of super-skilled, super-secret Australian SAS soldiers have been "operating at large in Africa, performing work normally done by spies".

Apparently, their "operations have raised serious concerns within the Australian military and intelligence community because they involve countries where Australia is not at war."

Really????

This explains a few things, like back in December 2008 when Robert Mugabe said that the cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe was a result of British & American forces poisoning their pristine water supplies...

These guys must've been pretty busy over the last few years, what with all the cholera outbreaks across Zimbabwe - so much poisoning to do & such little time! Plus it must've been hard putting on American or British accents with their thick ozzie ones.

So while these Bruces have been mucking about across Africa, how on earth did the Australian government not notice that an entire SAS squadron chose Harare as their top holiday destination?!?!?
And what exactly have they been doing in Nigeria, Zimbabwe & Kenya - investigating the countries for strategic sheep purposes???
In the words of Steve Irwin: "Crikey mate! What a whopper!"

Of Mars & Men

So over the weekend I went to see 2 completely different movies: John Carter & Safe House.
The first, John Carter (henceforth known as JC) has been getting all sorts of mixed press. Apparently the movie has been on the cards for 100 years, with this year being a century since the first story by Edgar Rice Burroughs was published.
So in other words, it's the platinum jubilee of the character JC - he's been 'alive' for 40 years longer than the Queen has been on the throne. Fortunately Taylor Kitsch is much more pleasing on the eye than Her Majesty & he doesn't wave like someone's actually forcing him to, with a puppeteer's stick attached at the elbow.
Another fortunate thing about the movie is that Willem Dafoe's animated alien creature is far less scary-looking than he is in real life.
All in all the movie is 1 big great adventure & lots of fun. I keep seeing bad reviews for it where people say: "but it's not Avatar." Of course in my opinion, going to a movie entitled John Carter & looking for skinny blue people & Sigourney Weaver is a little daft.
Go watch John Carter & expect adventurous fun & the elements of classic Victorian sci-fi.

As for Safe House, it was filmed in Cape Town, of all places. So there are plenty of Souff Efrikan elements that'll keep you chuckling through the movie.
Basically, it's Denzel Washington in yet another one of his stereotypical roles, so expect to see him as you've never always seen him before! Ryan Reynolds on the other hand, manages to prove that he can act - after his annoying performance in Green Lantern.
Plot-wise it's predictable, right down to identity of the bad guy - the writers & directors have clearly taken a lot of cues from the Borne movies, including the gritty hand-held camera style.
On the whole, it was fun to watch, but I think that's because I kept chuckling at the local elements and how quickly & competently the police responded to crime scenes. Take out those amusing elements & I think I would've fallen asleep in the cinema, or resorted to throwing popcorn at my fellow movie-goers.
Also, watching Ryan Reynolds praat die taal is damn hilarious! But save Safe House for your dvd rental night & go watch John Carter on the big screen :-)

Only the Japanese...

Women who have just finished ovulating are better at detecting snakes than at other times of their menstrual cycle, according to an unusual study that sheds light on in-built reflexes for survival.
Nobuo Masataka of Japan's Kyoto University tested 60 healthy women of child-bearing age at three different phases of their cycle

 Really?!?!?
So how quickly you spot snakes depends on whether you're female & what time of the month it is. Also of note is the fact that Japan is not known for snakes & is still recovering from a devastating tsunami that left 13 500 dead.
Surely there are other ways to spend your time...?

Sometimes SuperVillains get busy & distracted... for long periods of time

So it's been ages, I mean AGES since I posted regularly.
I blame it on lots of personal ups & downs & pure laziness.
I need to start writing again because soon there'll be tons of stuff happening that I'll really want to share...
For now, it's back to a SuperVillain take on local & international happenings.